Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Satisfied

"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." Psalm 90:14

Most of you know that it has been a difficult 3 months for me, transitioning to life back at home. I never anticipated struggling so much, and have rarely had times in my life where I have felt really down. With that said, this deep agony has caught me by surprise. In 12 weeks I have had many periods of lows followed by short seasons of feeling like everything was going to be okay... only to find my heart breaking again. I've cried a lot, and asked God "WHY?" a lot. I've asked Him why He has put in my heart such a love for a place far away when He is not allowing me to go back. I end up letting my mind run races trying to discover what it was that captivated everything in me so completely. I wonder and worry about whether or not I could ever be as happy anywhere else doing anything else. But today I'm quite sure that I can and WILL be... since what God has is always above and beyond what I could ask for or imagine.

In the past 3 months I have often had a cynical and judgemental attitude towards God and the church. It's been a bumpy road. It has only been recently that it has been hitting me how much I just MISS Jesus... I miss pouring my love on Him and experiencing Him pour His love on me. I miss knowing with total confidence that no matter what life brings, He's got me and I've got Him. It's good to think things through. It's good to question, to process, to discover. But one must be careful not to let those things eat away at being madly in love with Christ. Sometimes I find it a chore to read my Bible and pray. Then I realize that there must be something seriously wrong in my heart and seriously lacking in my understanding of who God is. There are a handful of people in my life who I think are out of this world fantastic. If I could, I would spend every waking moment with those people. I want to be near them... to catch their life... to share their joy. In a similar way, if only I sought to get glimses of who this Jesus really is, there is NO WAY I would want to be anywhere but pressed right up against Him, as close as I could possibly nestle. That is the earnest prayer of my heart now: "Jesus, show me who you are!"

1 comment:

anonymously anonymous said...

Its so hard to see how other people suffering when you are so wrapped up in your own hardships, I am not saying this of you, just myself.

Don't feel like you have been useless here and if you ever do wonder why God has you here think of what condition I might be in today if you had not called me that day a few months ago...Ginna I would be dead I am sure of it! I was so deep and so wrapped up in my problems that I refused see God or feel his touch because he didn't seem real to me and I did not think I could be real with him, so he used you(in a good way) to get my attention and help me to see him.

Your exsistance means so much to me! Thank you for being obaying and honoring God.

Savannah Rose