Tears

Have you ever noticed the beauty of tears? A good friend pointed it out to me once, but I didn't see it then. Today I saw it. Sarah and I were sharing with a group of people who came to South Africa last fall. As we shared I looked around and saw many eyes glossy with tears of sincerity... it was a beautiful thing.

This week has been busy with sharing... whether it be one on one or to a large group, almost every evening and some parts of the daytime hours have been spent talking about Africa. Discussing 'what happened the past year' inevitably leads to the 'what will happen this year' topic, one with which I am slightly uncomfortable. However, an answer I must give. My answer is that I am waiting for the Lord to speak clearly. Perhaps He is speaking clearly and I am just not hearing Him, or perhaps I cannot discern which voice is His amidst the hubbub of life. Many of you know that I've been seriously considering a return to Africa as early as January. Though this is precisely what I long to do, at this moment I don't have peace that the timing is right. Because of this I have been asking God to help me be okay if He wants me to stay for a season, and He is doing that. Maybe since He is giving me peace about staying, that is my answer? I would still pick up and go back tomorrow if that's what I felt like I was supposed to do. Jesus said that His sheep follow Him because they know His voice. I want to have the confidence 100% of the time that I am always following the correct shepherd, but this I do not think is possible. We are far too easily influenced by shepherds with a similar tone. That is why I am thankful to be spending 5 days locked away in Pracs. For those of you unfamiliar with Pracs, basically I am acting as a lab rat and getting paid nicely for it:). It's also a great getaway. I am a 'goer' and love just being with people, so days are quite easily filled and I never have enough time to sit and be silent... straining to hear the voice I so long to recognize.

I learned something today...

On my way to Bethel in Fargo this morning I was praying about what to share. Sarah and I only had 2 minutes each and we had been given our question in advance. God gave a message which, though I spoke the words, convicted me to the core as I digested them. He challenged me to be outward-focused and pray for more of His heart of compassion and servanthood, instead of lingering on thoughts of me and my best interests with such regularity. Since returning home I have spent long periods of time feeling sorry for myself... a fairly constant and unnecessary pity party. Close inspection of my heart reveals many things, high on the list being a selfishness that I long to be free from. During this week I will have lots of free time, and want to spend it praying for the people that I love instead of just about my own life. I want to pray for YOU!!! So give me a call or send me an email. I have unlimited time to talk (unless you call during a blood draw) and would love to hear from you.

God is so cool. Whenever I start feeling prideful, He is quick with reminders that I shouldn't go that way. He is patient with me. He is willing to use me even though I am a disaster almost all of the time, and He even gives joy (and often tears) to this disaster in the process. Thinking about it makes me want to go with Him on a picnic that never ends...