Monday, January 05, 2009

The "L-Bomb" :)

A quick glance at years past reveals that New Year's Eve has never been too exciting for me. I usually anticipate an amazing night and wind up disappointed. This year was different! Our group of friends here in the Springs decided to go to Cowboys... a club which, as the name implies, plays country music and encourages line dancing. Hoorah!

We started the evening by tacking an exhaustive list of restaurants in Colorado Springs to the refrigerator and taking turns tossing a green marker at it to narrow down our options. In case you're confused it's quite logical really... whatever restaurant the marker left a print on would be added to the list of options. After a lot of giggling, we finally wrote the name of the restaurant we all wanted to go to in HUGE letters at the bottome of the list, then threw the marker until we hit it.

After a great dinner we split up into our various vehicles and headed for Cowboys. During the drive I was talking passionately with Steve about a situation I felt was unjust, and what we should do about it. He was trying to get a word in edgewise and I just wouldn't let him do so. After one particulary blatant interuption, Steve (who rarely gets frustrated), said... "GINNA." I stopped, suddenly realizing what I was doing. Not only that, but I also felt an overwhelming conviction that interrupting people is something I do a lot when I am worked up. Just that morning I had been praying that the Lord would reveal my flaws so that I can work on them. He was answering my prayer and I immediately proceeded to burst into tears. "Do I do that a lot?" I asked Steve through my sobs, while in my mind quickly making a list of everyone I know so that I could call and apologize for my rudeness. "Because I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!" Steve very gently replied that though I can occasionally cut people off, he knew it was unintentional and emphasised that we all have things we need to work on. When he parked, he pulled me close to him and started to pray for me. When he finished (tears were still streaming down my cheeks) he took my face in his hands and said, "I love you." Oh boy, if that didn't really open the floodgates. It was completely unexpected! Granted, there have been many times in the last several months when I've seen love in his eyes and thought, "He loves me... why doesn't he just say it?" But he wanted to wait for the perfect time and was praying that God would show him when it came.

Really there could not have been a better time for Steve to tell me what was in his heart. Since he chose to speak those wonderful words NOT at a time when I was feeling particularly love-able (in fact, I was feeling like scum) I truly knew that he meant it. I felt completely transparent before him and at the same time marvelously safe. In that moment I also felt God whispering His love to me and knew that I had been in this place of transparency and safety with God many times before. The times when I am convicted of the ugly sin in my life are quite often the times when I really hear and receive God's love. They are also the times when I know without a shadow of a doubt that I don't deserve it. I know I don't deserve God's love, and I know I don't deserve Steve's love either. Both are indescribable showers of blessing for me... a very broken and flawed woman. Day by day God is healing the brokenness, and with His help I am working on the flaws. But what a wonderful thing to know in the middle of the journey that I am loved. And so are YOU.

P.S. After the balling slowed to a manageable stream, I also told Steve how much I love him. With all my heart.


Liesl Kruger said...

what an amazing way to start a new year! it's a big moment!

Sarah Snyder said...

Very sweet. :)