Thursday, April 03, 2008

A Flower Blooms...

Spring is here. The sign on the corner flashed 53 degrees in digital red letters, but I already knew. The city had come alive! Down every street in nearly every house, people emerged from their long hibernation. It was the kind of day that makes a person long to just sit barefoot on the front porch with lemonade and a good book. It was the kind of day that begged to be savored. It was the kind of day that seems to say ever so gently, "Everything is going to be just fine."

Last night I was reading from Mother Teresa's 'Come Be My Light'. In the opening pages there is a quote that resonated deep in my soul. She writes in a letter:

"Now Father-since 49 or 50 this terrible sense of loss-this untold darkness-this loneliness this continual longing for God-which gives me that pain deep down in my heart-Darkness is such that I really do not see-neither with my mind nor with my reason-the place of God in my soul is blank-There is no God in me-when pain of longing is so great-I just long & long for God-and then it is that I feel-He does not want me-He is not there-...God does not want me-Sometimes-I just hear my own heart cry out-"My God" and nothing else comes-The torture and pain I can't explain-" (pg.2)

I cannot imagine the years of utter darkness Mother Teresa felt, as she struggled with wondering why she know longer experienced God's presence. Then coming to the realization that she was living out a taste of the Passion of Christ, in order that she might gain more of His heart. This floors me, as I struggle through the process of emerging from months of my own darkness. Though whether mine has been due to the will of God or due to my own rebellion and frustration towards Him I do not know. Either way, I do feel that this struggle is all a part of purification. And if I can become more like Jesus in the process of feeling deep pain, then I do not wish for it to go away. There are still days of darkness... days where I feel that I just can't go on. But there are more days in which I feel hope. And every day I know that I need God. I need God. I ever so desperately need God.

Life for me at the moment is horrendously "normal". I work, I spend time with friends, I go to church, I watch reality shows on cable. I long for more, but feel stuck. Patience is not my strong suit. I tell my parents that for crying out loud, I'M BORED! They understand. I have my dad to thank for these adventure genes. My desire for the nations has not changed, and only grows stronger. Opportunities abound, but what is right? I need direction, and I think it's coming. Today I have spent most of the day just praying, and feel a wonderful peace that has evaded me for quite some time now. However God leads, I know it will be good. More on that soon...

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