It's Been A While

A lot can happen in a few months it seems! I was just reading over my last post and am amazed by all that has transpired since then. To write in detail about it all would take approximately forever, so I'll just give a brief synopsis...

We discovered with delight in mid-March that our first child was on the way! No one could have been more thrilled than we were... we talked to the baby, prayed, planned and dreamed. At 10 weeks I was scheduled for my first ultrasound and we counted down the days. Everything had been going well...

We saw our baby but something was very wrong. Too small for 10 weeks and with no heartbeat, our precious child was already with the Lord and we were devastated. Our amazing Colorado Springs family surrounded us in the ensuing horrible hours and my mom, sister-in-law, and best friend arrived two days later to be with us while I went through surgery and while we recovered emotionally. Anyone who has had a miscarriage knows how much it hurts... my arms literally ached to hold my baby.

But God. So many times I've seen those two words throughout Scripture and lately they have gotten my attention. But God. He was there in our grief and gave us grace to worship him through our sorrow. As tears flowed we remember that God lost His Son... he knew how we felt. We are so grateful for His nearness in our brokenness and though we would love to have our child back, we have peace.

Within a week after our miscarriage we both knew that it was time to move. God had been putting such a burden on both of our hearts to move closer to Steve's family in Wisconsin. We began making plans, notifying our landlord that we would move when our lease was up at the end of June and notifying our places of employment of our plans. We didn't have any jobs lined up but knew that God would provide... He was leading us, after all. He DID provide! Steve is pursuing a position through classes and an internship that would result in the job of his dreams and I have the job of my dreams in a large children's hospital in Milwaukee working in the pediatric ICU. We just moved last Thursday and are getting settled in! We spent the weekend with Steve's family and my family is flying in for the coming one. We feel God calling us to pursue becoming foster parents and are beginning to work on getting licensed. Foster children so desperately need loving, stable homes and we are so excited about this new journey!

We're not where we thought we'd be, but we're thankful. The Lord knows what He is doing and I believe that now more than ever! I have a feeling that He is going to do some awesome things in the coming months... I'll try to keep you posted.

Looking Back to Egypt

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin

I find so much hope in this beautiful verse of music. For a long time I have felt beaten down by all of the ways that I fall short of the glory of God. I don't feel worthy of His mercy and have therefore settled into a life that looks strikingly similar to the rest of the world. I was reading in Acts yesterday morning where Stephen is talking about Israel and says something absolutely tragic. "And in their hearts they turned back to Egypt." (Acts 7:39b) Though they had seen God do miracle upon miracle, yet they forgot all of that and yearned for their former life of bondage! How easily I do the same. My days fill up with work and social events, acquiring "stuff" and wasting time watching tv, even busying myself with church activities. How easily I forget that my first and greatest calling is to "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." (Deuteronomy 6:5) This week I have been on my knees, returning to my first love. It is a great place to be.

Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

My African Brother

I have dubbed February the 'month of guests'. Creative, right? No? Ok you're right. Anyway, our home has been filled with people almost constantly this month and we have loved every minute of it! We were positively delighted when we found out a few weeks ago that Carlos Giua would be coming to visit all the way from Mozambique. Carlos and his wife, Pascua, and their two daughters were our family in Mozambique and leaving them was very difficult. Since that time they have had another daughter and a son and continue their amazing work of loving their neighbors selflessly. Their love for Christ is so obvious and the first thing we always did when stepping into their home for a meal or tea was to pray together.

Carlos had never left Africa before and it was a blessing that he was able to obtain a visa and make the trip to the US for a month to travel and speak. I was thrilled that Carlos and Steve would at last have a chance to meet. While we were waiting at the airport for Carlos to arrive and searching the crowds for his face I told Steve, "you will know who he is when you see his eyes." And, in fact, Steve spotted him first. There is a light and a joy in his eyes that comes from being with Christ. It reminds me of the book of Exodus when Moses comes down from Mount Sinai and he is not aware that his face is radiant because he has spoken with the Lord. Such a beautiful thing!

One of the really special moments of his short time with us was when he saw snow for the first time! We all laughed as he jumped in it and we showed him how to throw snowballs (of course) and slide on the ice. The Olympics were just starting so we watched some of the skiing and Carlos kept saying, "OH. Is it real?!?" and laughing and laughing. Carlos was able to share about the ministry of Rubatano with many of our friends one evening. There are so many believers in Mozambique who are doing an amazing work of reaching out to orphans and the sick and dying. Please be praying for Carlos as he continues to travel and speak for two more weeks. Pray that the Lord would provide for the needs of Rubatano. The needs are, indeed, great but our God is greater!!!! We were very sad to see him go, but as always, Carlos reminded us that "We are together."

Here are some photos...

Fun Art

We had been looking for something spiffy to put on the large wall above our bed and just couldn't find the right thing. We finally found this so Steve put it together and.... TA DA!!!



Makes me smile.

The Haps

About that eggnog. I suppose we should have been suspicious when the only liquids called for in the recipe were 2 cups of rum and 1/2 cup of milk. It was, how do I say, potent. All but a couple sips of it went down the kitchen sink. But we had fun making it! And we'll try a different recipe next year. Here's a pic... even the smell almost made me pass out...



To continue on the note of failure, the Super Bowl was last Sunday.

I am very sad.

The Vikings weren't in it.

WHY?!?!?



As you can see we were good fans and I was clearly not afraid to give up my dignity. But once again I find myself saying... there is always next year.

One of my favorite people of all time, Megan, came to visit a couple weeks ago. It was good times, good times. While she was here we went on our very first snowshoe expedition. See below. While we braved the wilderness Steve and Sean went skiing. Steve had a little incident involving a face-plant:)... hence the band-aid you will see on his nose. I love that guy!

Eggy-nog

There are only 3 days until Christmas but I am having a hard time believing it considering today was a sunny 50 degrees and there are only a few struggling patches of dirty snow hiding in the shade. Steve and I will be celebrating our first Christmas as a married couple away from our families and have high hopes of going sledding... SO... I never thought I would say this, but, "COME ON SNOW!!!!" Our other Christmas plans involve making homemade eggnog (scary... I'll let you know how that turns out) and enjoying the Christmas tree that we had to put in our bedroom because it was too girthy for the living room:). It's my first real tree ever and I love it so much. The pine smell is sensational!

Last week I got to spend a few days in North Dakota for a little bit of family/friend time. There is so much going on! My little sister is half-way through her junior year of high school and I am SO proud of her. My dear friend Tiffany is engaged and it was so much fun to see her and talk about wedding plans and see how happy she is. My beloved Sarah-ki is expecting a baby!! She is due in June. After all of our talk in Africa about our fear of old maid-hood and here we are, blessed beyond belief. Thanks God for hearing our prayers and knowing our hearts!!!

I started a new job in November and couldn't be happier about it. The long home healthcare hours and never-ending paper work was taking its toll. I am now back in the hospital and working nights on the pediatrics floor. As much as I loved the NICU I am enjoying Peds even more because of the diversity in age and diagnosis. Since October I have been taking an online class in Forensic Nursing and at my new hospital have an opportunity to take Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner classes in March/April and join their SANE team. Who would have thought that I would love this area of nursing so much? I suppose it makes some sense, since my heart has always been broken for prostitutes and the injustice which angers me more than any other is human trafficking. I see God at work in this whole process, and hope that some day I will be able to be a part of rescuing women and children from sex trafficking rings as well as making sure their captors and the people paying for sex are convicted of their crimes. Steve and I have been praying a lot about where God is leading us and what He is calling us to do with our lives. We have prayed about Africa and seriously considered moving there. But, at least for now, we don't feel like that is the direction we should go. I feel broken about many things (Africa being a huge one) and want to be involved... but my wise husband often reminds me that in order to maximize effectiveness I need to focus. So, with much prayer and God's evident leading, I am diving head-first into sexual assault nursing and we will see what He does!

Steve continues to amaze me with all of his hard work as Children's Ministry Director at our church. It's all very new to him, but he's doing a fantastic job. When he is not at church he invests a huge chunk of time into making me laugh... over and over and over again. Every evening we spend together I think to myself, "this was the best evening ever." What an amazing gift... marriage to my best friend.

Our prayer for 2010 is that the Lord would bring us to a greater degree of maturity in Him. With all of the great teaching available to us at the click of a button, it is easy to sacrifice the irreplaceable reward of digging in to God's Word and letting Him speak to our own hearts. Sometimes we can listen to a 45 minute sermon online and feel that we have done our duty, but we accomplish nothing if we are not seeking Him ourselves. This Christmas I am so grateful to God for His patience with me, His grace which covers me, and His love which I understand ever-so-slightly more this year than ever before.

Here are a bunch of wedding photos for those of you not on facebook... much love and Merry Christmas!!!!!!

Married Life

Here we are, nearly a month after our wedding and finally getting settled back into a routine. My heart feels so full today I just had to sit down and write about it. Our wedding day was my every dream come true and we savored it all. There was really only one "oopsy" during the ceremony... our sweet nephew Caden took a tumble down the stairs after performing his ring bearer duties like a pro. He was more startled than hurt, I think, and sat down with Grandma and Grandpa. There was also that minute I felt like I might faint during Pastor Jon's awesome message but it wasn't from nerves... my corset was laced a tad too tight:). How did women use to manage wearing those awful things all day? Anyway, after staring at the floor for a few seconds I felt better. Being surrounded by so many people that we love so much while choosing one another for life was just completely amazing. Newlyweds generally start out poor, but we are truly RICH in all the ways that matter.

I love my husband more than I could ever express, even though I now know that he starts snoring when he rolls onto his back at night. He quits when I poke him, so it's not a problem in the least. Unfortunately for him, he has now discovered that I am a bed hog... tossing and turning relentlessly... all night long. No amount of poking can make me quit. I think he is adjusting but maybe he's just saying that to make me feel better.

We had a few days at home before going off on a 7-day cruise of the Western Caribbean... don't even get me started on how fantastic that was. Now we're back home but it's not even sad because I get to LIVE with my BEST FRIEND. That is the best deal of all!!

Not only did I become a wife on September 6th, but I also became "Aunt Ginna". I have been waiting for this title for a long time and couldn't be happier to have it now. On Monday my 5-year-old niece, Autumn, called with some good news.

1. "Mommy is having the baby today."
2. (Said with MUCH more excitement) "I just lost my first tooth!!!!"

What a big week! We have been eagerly awaiting little Austin's arrival, and we now have 3 nieces and 2 nephews. And precious Autumn is down one tooth:).

One of the things we decided to do while on our honeymoon was set some goals and stick to them. We will have a lot more time on our hands now that the wedding is over and we don't want to waste it. Neither of us have been working out... at all... for a very long time. So we set a goal to start going to the gym again 2-3 times a week. We have been back from our honeymoon for almost two weeks and have been to the gym zero times. I, for one, am not at all upset about this. It's not only because I enjoy sitting on the couch more than running on the treadmill (although that is obviously true). As crazy as it sounds, as soon as I stopped running and going to the gym I promptly lost 15 pounds, and I don't want them back!! I'm not trying to promote laziness as an ideal weight loss program but hey, it's worked for me. I think running just makes me excessively hungry and since I run slowly I feel that I am burning more calories than I actually am. Whatever the reason, I have mixed feelings about our fitness goals. Perhaps I'll go to the gym with Steve and just walk from machine to machine, laugh under my breath at how ridiculous people look while exercising, and take lots of trips to the water fountain while my husband gets buff and I will myself to stay thin.

I Failed at Part 2 :)

**Generally I try to reign in my urges to use excessive amounts of exclamation points, but I could not control it today. Sorry about that.**

Oops! I had such good intentions of blogging more thoughts about this engagement season. I have discovered that wedding planning is, in fact, not as simple as I thought it would be and time has gotten away from me. The wedding is on Sunday!!!!!!!! Can I get a WOOP WOOP?!?!?!?!? Being engaged has been fantastic. I have gained so much of a better understanding of what it means to be the bride of Christ, and how diligent I ought to be in preparing for His coming. I have also gained a better understanding of the unsearchable depths of God's love for me through Steve. Our relationship is positively wonderful, but it takes work to keep it that way! It is the same with my relationship with God, yet I am so quick to neglect it. Wasn't His design of marriage such a fantastic idea?! While being a blessing to us, it also points us to Him and creates a deeper dependency for Him.

Like most females, I have spent a good many years dreaming about my wedding. As the day approaches the top 3 things I really cannot wait to experience are...
1) Getting to wear my beautiful dress!!
2) Having the doors of the church open and seeing Steve!! We will both be an emotional mess I am sure.
3) The pronouncement of husband and wife. I know it would not be wise to jump up and down, but will I be able to contain it? Doubtful.

On that note, I need to finish packing before we board our plane for North Dakota tonight! Steve and I covet your prayers, and look forward to seeing many of you this weekend!!!!!!!

Saying I Do - Part 1

Not that anyone is counting, but in 35 days I will be Steve Cross's bride! Though part of me is tempted to fill the rest of this post with the famous cyber smiley faces I will spare you the sappiness... for now. The thought of our rapidly approaching wedding day fills me moment by moment with almost every emotion under the sun. During the past few days we have been working on our vows and this morning I was in tears of reverence as I thought through what they mean. These are no ordinary words! I am committing before God and witnesses that I will take this man to be my husband and love him for the rest of my life as I love myself. Even to put him before me! "Lord, are you kidding me?!" The very idea seems utterly ridiculous. Now don't get me wrong, Steve is a wonderful man. The problem is not with him but with me. The truth is I am painfully in love with my own desires and comforts. Never have I ever loved someone above myself. God's intention for marriage is that the two should become ONE flesh. We all know the sad truth that marriage in our society is suffering. Divorce rates are sky-high and often the marriages that do last are ones of learning to tolerate each other rather than celebrating one another. It seems to me that merely 'surviving' in marriage is no great victory. Call me crazy, but I believe there is so much more. This wondrous design of God can never succeed without His direct enabling and working in us to change us more and more into His likeness. We love because He first loved us, says 1 John 4:19.

In short, for this high calling of marriage I feel inadequate. I desperately need God to strip away the dark and selfish places of my heart and fill me with His love. How thankful I am that in Him there is an endless supply!

More to come...

No Fear

Do you remember the clothing line that was hugely popular about 15 years ago? Everyone walked around with shirts that said "NO FEAR" in all different fonts and colors with graphics of scary looking faces next to the logos. It was a fad much like any other fad (pogs and slammers anyone?). Clearly no one wants to be considered a scaredy cat. But I must admit that I am!

If there is one thing I shouldn't be, it's fearful. God has led me and protected me through so many situations where I shouldn't have felt safe but somehow did. I wasn't afraid in Africa or in Asia or even as a cook in a strip club. Well, not after a couple of weeks anyway. But somehow when it comes to the day to day issues of life I find that I am a complete worry-wart. I worried myself ragged that perhaps I would never meet my handsome prince. Perhaps God would want me to stay single and I would be an old maid missionary. Then God blessed me with Steve and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Beyond my wildest dreams! Then I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find a job I loved that had good hours, and now I have a wonderful job that brings me great joy... most of the time. There is always something to fear. Recently I have had a couple of difficult patients and started worrying that I could make one mistake and end up losing my nursing license. Then there's children. Steve and I are constantly talking about and praying for the children we long to have. But what if we're like one of the other countless couples who for whatever reason can't seem to conceive? These are just some of the things over which I want to have control and don't. I think the times where it was easiest to have faith in God were the times when I knew without a doubt that my life and well-being was 100% in the hands of God. But isn't that ALWAYS true?

This week I've been thinking a lot about Isaiah 26:3. "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You." No matter what the future holds, my God is in control. I absolutely believe that mentally, and I really want that truth to be planted deep in my soul.

"There is NO FEAR in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." 1 John 4:18

My Lub

On February 14th this year a few of us were playing Valentine Scrabble. Steve and I had tweeked the original rules so that any love-related word yielded a 10-point bonus. Despite my best efforts, I was stuck. One of Steve's roommates came over, peeked at my letters, and quickly pointed out a couple letters that would work. No one gets too uptight when this happens because I am really not much of a Scrabble threat. I was uncertain about the word Sean pointed out but he seemed confident and he is intelligent, so I laid down the letters to form "Lub". Apparently the word he wanted me to spell was "Lube" but I didn't think of that. Steve looked at "Lub", gave me a funny look and said, "what's lub got to do with it"? They gave me the points and even the 10-point bonus and ever since that day Steve and I have called each other "My lub".

Second only to God's saving grace, Steve Cross is the greatest blessing I have ever received. He is the man I used to dream about when I would daydream through Cinderella and Snow White. Because of my "lion" personality, my parents used to wonder what kind of man would be able to handle me. Nobody knew precisely what kind of man I needed, but God did. Steve has a way of leading me that is so strong and so gentle. He is wise and loyal and exceedingly patient. At times when he could get really irritated he stays calm and just loves me. The love he offers is such a beautiful picture in the flesh of the way Christ loves me.

We met "randomly" on August 15th of last year while I was passing through Colorado Springs. I was driving from Texas to Montana to start a travel nurse contract and met up briefly with my friend Alecia. She invited me to a birthday party for one of her friends. When Steve walked into the room and we were introduced we liked each other immediately. I felt this very strong sense that there was something different and very special about this handsome man. Later that evening I told my best friend that I had just met the man of my dreams, but I wasn't sure I would ever see him again! But then I was invited over to his house to play cards, then out for lunch the next day, then on a Saturday breakfast that lasted all day long. All too quickly it was time for me to leave for Montana, but we both knew it wasn't the end.

September 6th, 2009 is our wedding day. We have had a blast planning the details of our wedding day, but even more fun preparing for our life together. We signed our first lease (I move in July 1st!), found some basic furniture, and got a joint checking/savings account and have started budgeting together. We are both passionate about marriage and family and love to dream about what God might have in store for us. If the Lord blesses us in this way, we positively cannot wait to be parents! What a true treasure to raise children with the man I adore. We don't know where God will lead us, but whether here or on the other side of the world we will be together. Marriage will be a challenge, we are sure, but we look forward to how God will draw us closer to Himself through it. And we pray that our marriage will be a blessing to others and that it will point people to Jesus.

A couple of weeks ago our friend Matthew took some engagement photos of us. Here are some of them!