Captivated

Our Gwynnie-pie!!

2011-11-20T20:24:00.000-06:00

So much to say!!! We have been parents for nearly 6 months now, and I just haven't been able to find words to describe how much joy Gwyneth has brought to our lives. Every night we sing and pray over her before she goes to bed and my heart is often overwhelmed with gratitude to God for allowing us to be her parents.

Can you even handle that grin:)?!?

Parenting is not the only new thing that is happening in our lives! Steve's business (in-home care for elderly) is now up and running and God has answered our prayer that I would be able to be home with Gwyn most of the time. I LOVE my days with her. It is so fulfilling pouring my life and heart into her. Watching her has helped me to know and understand the love of God a bit better. For example, I love Gwyn so much right where she is at today. Though I look forward to her growing to maturity, there will be infinite joys and grace during the process. God's love for us is like that too! He is so patient and gracious with us, loving us more than we could imagine right where we are today. Awesome!!!

Life Change

2011-04-30T21:08:00.000-05:00

Hoo-ey... well, with only 28 days (approximately) left until we meet our babe, let me fill you in regarding the joys of pregnancy:

1st trimester = never-ending nausea and fatigue
2nd trimester = wicked back pain and fatigue
3rd trimester = swollen ankles, multiple night-time trips to the bathroom and, you guessed it, fatigue

I have been at the mercy of this little one for the last 9 months and, though there have definitely been times of complaint, for the most part I've loved it. Sometimes the baby's kicks and jabs make me laugh out loud because of their force or timing. It's miraculous to see my whole belly move with new life. I love having little "bonding" times with my babe... just chatting about things or poking him/her and then he/she jabs back. Sometimes I put music on my belly and we have worship times together. Steve and I so desire our children to know and love the Lord Jesus. We realize that our kids will be our primary ministry focus during the coming years and this is exciting! We are contemplating these verses in Deuteronomy:

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. Deuteronomy 6:4-7

Isn't it amazing that immediately following what Jesus says is the greatest commandment (Mark 12:29-31), we are instructed to be continually about the business of teaching these things to our children. It's a high calling and I have to admit that there are times I feel terrified and unqualified. I have to trust that God will give us the wisdom that we need, and I'm so thankful for my husband's Godly leadership.

Side note... as pregnancy draws to a close I have occasionally found myself thinking, "it will be so nice to have my body back." While I was thinking this a few days ago the Lord brought to mind 1 Corinthians 6:19, which says, Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. It was a great reminder that what I often think of as "mine" really isn't. During this season God has chosen to use my body to grow a miracle, and I am so thankful. But during other seasons it is still not my own... He has given me this body to use for His Kingdom, so whatever He calls me to do, I need to do it! What a privilege.

In a few short days we will be holding our baby in our arms and that is thrilling! I tear up just thinking about it. Since I was a tiny little girl I have wanted to be a mother. I used to want only dolls that looked like real babies, and when my little sister was born I mothered her as much as I could and hoped people would think that she was MY baby:). We know that we are in for a massive life change, but we know that it's going to be good. Thank you, God, for allowing us to be parents. Every good and perfect gift comes from You!!!

First Pics!!

2011-01-14T15:48:00.003-06:00

I'm so in awe of God. We have been counting down the days until we could see our sweet love on ultrasound, and today was the day! It was amazing. I cried and cried. Here are some pictures of God's awesome handiwork!!!

P.S. We're waiting until delivery day to find out our baby's gender. Any guesses?

Let everything that has breath...

2011-01-08T21:03:00.004-06:00

Praise the LORD.

Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
praise him with timbrel and dancing,
praise him with the strings and pipe,
praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.

Praise the LORD

Psalm 150

He is so worthy!!! I can hardly find words to express how powerfully we have seen God at work over this past year. It has been painful and beautiful all at the same time! After the loss of our first baby in May we both knew that the Lord was moving us from Colorado. So, with a combination of sadness and excitement we went off, halfway across the country to a new home in Wisconsin and many surprises! In addition to being very close to Steve's family and much nearer to mine, we have found here an amazing church family and have been challenged and stretched in our walks with Christ like never before. We also were so blessed to meet a couple who are actively involved with Hands at Work in Africa, the organization I spent a year with in Mozambique. Through this divinely orchestrated friendship and other things as well, God has stirred our hearts in a fresh way to be involved with the plight of the orphan and widow. We are praying about how this will be lived out in the years to come and trusting God to lead. We became licensed foster parents this year and are respite providers. This simply means that we help out other foster families when they need to be gone and can't take their foster children, or when there is a placement for whom a family cannot be immediately found. We desire to do more, but at this point our grueling work schedules do not allow it. But, very soon we hope this will change!!!

Steve and his brother are very busy working together on an awesome business opportunity that is most definitely the provision of God for our family. More on that in the future! We celebrated our first anniversary in September and are now eagerly awaiting the birth of our baby who is, at this very moment, making me smile with his/her busy activity in my womb:). May cannot come soon enough!

We feel exceedingly blessed, but it has not come about easily, and for this I am actually thankful. All of the change, the stress and the pain of loss and uncertainty this year has challenged our comfort zones and complacency in our walks with Christ and in our marriage. We have desperately needed God and found Him waiting for us to turn to Him. We have seen our sinful tendency to be more consumed with desire for the 'American Dream' than to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Him. We have realized that more of our thoughts rest on football teams, shopping trips and our plans for the weekend than on loving God and our neighbor, and this is to our shame. We have so far to go, but are thankful that God is not leaving us alone but doing the work of refining. Have your way, Lord Jesus.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.

Praise the LORD

It's Been A While

2010-07-05T18:46:00.003-05:00

A lot can happen in a few months it seems! I was just reading over my last post and am amazed by all that has transpired since then. To write in detail about it all would take approximately forever, so I'll just give a brief synopsis...

We discovered with delight in mid-March that our first child was on the way! No one could have been more thrilled than we were... we talked to the baby, prayed, planned and dreamed. At 10 weeks I was scheduled for my first ultrasound and we counted down the days. Everything had been going well...

We saw our baby but something was very wrong. Too small for 10 weeks and with no heartbeat, our precious child was already with the Lord and we were devastated. Our amazing Colorado Springs family surrounded us in the ensuing horrible hours and my mom, sister-in-law, and best friend arrived two days later to be with us while I went through surgery and while we recovered emotionally. Anyone who has had a miscarriage knows how much it hurts... my arms literally ached to hold my baby.

But God. So many times I've seen those two words throughout Scripture and lately they have gotten my attention. But God. He was there in our grief and gave us grace to worship him through our sorrow. As tears flowed we remember that God lost His Son... he knew how we felt. We are so grateful for His nearness in our brokenness and though we would love to have our child back, we have peace.

Within a week after our miscarriage we both knew that it was time to move. God had been putting such a burden on both of our hearts to move closer to Steve's family in Wisconsin. We began making plans, notifying our landlord that we would move when our lease was up at the end of June and notifying our places of employment of our plans. We didn't have any jobs lined up but knew that God would provide... He was leading us, after all. He DID provide! Steve is pursuing a position through classes and an internship that would result in the job of his dreams and I have the job of my dreams in a large children's hospital in Milwaukee working in the pediatric ICU. We just moved last Thursday and are getting settled in! We spent the weekend with Steve's family and my family is flying in for the coming one. We feel God calling us to pursue becoming foster parents and are beginning to work on getting licensed. Foster children so desperately need loving, stable homes and we are so excited about this new journey!

We're not where we thought we'd be, but we're thankful. The Lord knows what He is doing and I believe that now more than ever! I have a feeling that He is going to do some awesome things in the coming months... I'll try to keep you posted.

Looking Back to Egypt

2010-03-01T12:03:00.004-06:00

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin

I find so much hope in this beautiful verse of music. For a long time I have felt beaten down by all of the ways that I fall short of the glory of God. I don't feel worthy of His mercy and have therefore settled into a life that looks strikingly similar to the rest of the world. I was reading in Acts yesterday morning where Stephen is talking about Israel and says something absolutely tragic. "And in their hearts they turned back to Egypt." (Acts 7:39b) Though they had seen God do miracle upon miracle, yet they forgot all of that and yearned for their former life of bondage! How easily I do the same. My days fill up with work and social events, acquiring "stuff" and wasting time watching tv, even busying myself with church activities. How easily I forget that my first and greatest calling is to "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." (Deuteronomy 6:5) This week I have been on my knees, returning to my first love. It is a great place to be.

Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

My African Brother

2010-02-25T18:20:00.004-06:00

I have dubbed February the 'month of guests'. Creative, right? No? Ok you're right. Anyway, our home has been filled with people almost constantly this month and we have loved every minute of it! We were positively delighted when we found out a few weeks ago that Carlos Giua would be coming to visit all the way from Mozambique. Carlos and his wife, Pascua, and their two daughters were our family in Mozambique and leaving them was very difficult. Since that time they have had another daughter and a son and continue their amazing work of loving their neighbors selflessly. Their love for Christ is so obvious and the first thing we always did when stepping into their home for a meal or tea was to pray together.

Carlos had never left Africa before and it was a blessing that he was able to obtain a visa and make the trip to the US for a month to travel and speak. I was thrilled that Carlos and Steve would at last have a chance to meet. While we were waiting at the airport for Carlos to arrive and searching the crowds for his face I told Steve, "you will know who he is when you see his eyes." And, in fact, Steve spotted him first. There is a light and a joy in his eyes that comes from being with Christ. It reminds me of the book of Exodus when Moses comes down from Mount Sinai and he is not aware that his face is radiant because he has spoken with the Lord. Such a beautiful thing!

One of the really special moments of his short time with us was when he saw snow for the first time! We all laughed as he jumped in it and we showed him how to throw snowballs (of course) and slide on the ice. The Olympics were just starting so we watched some of the skiing and Carlos kept saying, "OH. Is it real?!?" and laughing and laughing. Carlos was able to share about the ministry of Rubatano with many of our friends one evening. There are so many believers in Mozambique who are doing an amazing work of reaching out to orphans and the sick and dying. Please be praying for Carlos as he continues to travel and speak for two more weeks. Pray that the Lord would provide for the needs of Rubatano. The needs are, indeed, great but our God is greater!!!! We were very sad to see him go, but as always, Carlos reminded us that "We are together."

Here are some photos...

Fun Art

2010-02-10T10:35:00.005-06:00

We had been looking for something spiffy to put on the large wall above our bed and just couldn't find the right thing. We finally found this so Steve put it together and.... TA DA!!!

Makes me smile.

The Haps

2010-02-09T11:46:00.008-06:00

About that eggnog. I suppose we should have been suspicious when the only liquids called for in the recipe were 2 cups of rum and 1/2 cup of milk. It was, how do I say, potent. All but a couple sips of it went down the kitchen sink. But we had fun making it! And we'll try a different recipe next year. Here's a pic... even the smell almost made me pass out...

To continue on the note of failure, the Super Bowl was last Sunday.

I am very sad.

The Vikings weren't in it.

WHY?!?!?

As you can see we were good fans and I was clearly not afraid to give up my dignity. But once again I find myself saying... there is always next year.

One of my favorite people of all time, Megan, came to visit a couple weeks ago. It was good times, good times. While she was here we went on our very first snowshoe expedition. See below. While we braved the wilderness Steve and Sean went skiing. Steve had a little incident involving a face-plant:)... hence the band-aid you will see on his nose. I love that guy!

Eggy-nog

2009-12-22T02:45:00.010-06:00

There are only 3 days until Christmas but I am having a hard time believing it considering today was a sunny 50 degrees and there are only a few struggling patches of dirty snow hiding in the shade. Steve and I will be celebrating our first Christmas as a married couple away from our families and have high hopes of going sledding... SO... I never thought I would say this, but, "COME ON SNOW!!!!" Our other Christmas plans involve making homemade eggnog (scary... I'll let you know how that turns out) and enjoying the Christmas tree that we had to put in our bedroom because it was too girthy for the living room:). It's my first real tree ever and I love it so much. The pine smell is sensational!

Last week I got to spend a few days in North Dakota for a little bit of family/friend time. There is so much going on! My little sister is half-way through her junior year of high school and I am SO proud of her. My dear friend Tiffany is engaged and it was so much fun to see her and talk about wedding plans and see how happy she is. My beloved Sarah-ki is expecting a baby!! She is due in June. After all of our talk in Africa about our fear of old maid-hood and here we are, blessed beyond belief. Thanks God for hearing our prayers and knowing our hearts!!!

I started a new job in November and couldn't be happier about it. The long home healthcare hours and never-ending paper work was taking its toll. I am now back in the hospital and working nights on the pediatrics floor. As much as I loved the NICU I am enjoying Peds even more because of the diversity in age and diagnosis. Since October I have been taking an online class in Forensic Nursing and at my new hospital have an opportunity to take Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner classes in March/April and join their SANE team. Who would have thought that I would love this area of nursing so much? I suppose it makes some sense, since my heart has always been broken for prostitutes and the injustice which angers me more than any other is human trafficking. I see God at work in this whole process, and hope that some day I will be able to be a part of rescuing women and children from sex trafficking rings as well as making sure their captors and the people paying for sex are convicted of their crimes. Steve and I have been praying a lot about where God is leading us and what He is calling us to do with our lives. We have prayed about Africa and seriously considered moving there. But, at least for now, we don't feel like that is the direction we should go. I feel broken about many things (Africa being a huge one) and want to be involved... but my wise husband often reminds me that in order to maximize effectiveness I need to focus. So, with much prayer and God's evident leading, I am diving head-first into sexual assault nursing and we will see what He does!

Steve continues to amaze me with all of his hard work as Children's Ministry Director at our church. It's all very new to him, but he's doing a fantastic job. When he is not at church he invests a huge chunk of time into making me laugh... over and over and over again. Every evening we spend together I think to myself, "this was the best evening ever." What an amazing gift... marriage to my best friend.

Our prayer for 2010 is that the Lord would bring us to a greater degree of maturity in Him. With all of the great teaching available to us at the click of a button, it is easy to sacrifice the irreplaceable reward of digging in to God's Word and letting Him speak to our own hearts. Sometimes we can listen to a 45 minute sermon online and feel that we have done our duty, but we accomplish nothing if we are not seeking Him ourselves. This Christmas I am so grateful to God for His patience with me, His grace which covers me, and His love which I understand ever-so-slightly more this year than ever before.

Here are a bunch of wedding photos for those of you not on facebook... much love and Merry Christmas!!!!!!

Married Life

2009-09-30T14:40:00.007-05:00

Here we are, nearly a month after our wedding and finally getting settled back into a routine. My heart feels so full today I just had to sit down and write about it. Our wedding day was my every dream come true and we savored it all. There was really only one "oopsy" during the ceremony... our sweet nephew Caden took a tumble down the stairs after performing his ring bearer duties like a pro. He was more startled than hurt, I think, and sat down with Grandma and Grandpa. There was also that minute I felt like I might faint during Pastor Jon's awesome message but it wasn't from nerves... my corset was laced a tad too tight:). How did women use to manage wearing those awful things all day? Anyway, after staring at the floor for a few seconds I felt better. Being surrounded by so many people that we love so much while choosing one another for life was just completely amazing. Newlyweds generally start out poor, but we are truly RICH in all the ways that matter.

I love my husband more than I could ever express, even though I now know that he starts snoring when he rolls onto his back at night. He quits when I poke him, so it's not a problem in the least. Unfortunately for him, he has now discovered that I am a bed hog... tossing and turning relentlessly... all night long. No amount of poking can make me quit. I think he is adjusting but maybe he's just saying that to make me feel better.

We had a few days at home before going off on a 7-day cruise of the Western Caribbean... don't even get me started on how fantastic that was. Now we're back home but it's not even sad because I get to LIVE with my BEST FRIEND. That is the best deal of all!!

Not only did I become a wife on September 6th, but I also became "Aunt Ginna". I have been waiting for this title for a long time and couldn't be happier to have it now. On Monday my 5-year-old niece, Autumn, called with some good news.

1. "Mommy is having the baby today."
2. (Said with MUCH more excitement) "I just lost my first tooth!!!!"

What a big week! We have been eagerly awaiting little Austin's arrival, and we now have 3 nieces and 2 nephews. And precious Autumn is down one tooth:).

One of the things we decided to do while on our honeymoon was set some goals and stick to them. We will have a lot more time on our hands now that the wedding is over and we don't want to waste it. Neither of us have been working out... at all... for a very long time. So we set a goal to start going to the gym again 2-3 times a week. We have been back from our honeymoon for almost two weeks and have been to the gym zero times. I, for one, am not at all upset about this. It's not only because I enjoy sitting on the couch more than running on the treadmill (although that is obviously true). As crazy as it sounds, as soon as I stopped running and going to the gym I promptly lost 15 pounds, and I don't want them back!! I'm not trying to promote laziness as an ideal weight loss program but hey, it's worked for me. I think running just makes me excessively hungry and since I run slowly I feel that I am burning more calories than I actually am. Whatever the reason, I have mixed feelings about our fitness goals. Perhaps I'll go to the gym with Steve and just walk from machine to machine, laugh under my breath at how ridiculous people look while exercising, and take lots of trips to the water fountain while my husband gets buff and I will myself to stay thin.

I Failed at Part 2 :)

2009-09-02T13:22:00.003-05:00

**Generally I try to reign in my urges to use excessive amounts of exclamation points, but I could not control it today. Sorry about that.**

Oops! I had such good intentions of blogging more thoughts about this engagement season. I have discovered that wedding planning is, in fact, not as simple as I thought it would be and time has gotten away from me. The wedding is on Sunday!!!!!!!! Can I get a WOOP WOOP?!?!?!?!? Being engaged has been fantastic. I have gained so much of a better understanding of what it means to be the bride of Christ, and how diligent I ought to be in preparing for His coming. I have also gained a better understanding of the unsearchable depths of God's love for me through Steve. Our relationship is positively wonderful, but it takes work to keep it that way! It is the same with my relationship with God, yet I am so quick to neglect it. Wasn't His design of marriage such a fantastic idea?! While being a blessing to us, it also points us to Him and creates a deeper dependency for Him.

Like most females, I have spent a good many years dreaming about my wedding. As the day approaches the top 3 things I really cannot wait to experience are...
1) Getting to wear my beautiful dress!!
2) Having the doors of the church open and seeing Steve!! We will both be an emotional mess I am sure.
3) The pronouncement of husband and wife. I know it would not be wise to jump up and down, but will I be able to contain it? Doubtful.

On that note, I need to finish packing before we board our plane for North Dakota tonight! Steve and I covet your prayers, and look forward to seeing many of you this weekend!!!!!!!

Saying I Do - Part 1

2009-08-02T22:35:00.009-05:00

Not that anyone is counting, but in 35 days I will be Steve Cross's bride! Though part of me is tempted to fill the rest of this post with the famous cyber smiley faces I will spare you the sappiness... for now. The thought of our rapidly approaching wedding day fills me moment by moment with almost every emotion under the sun. During the past few days we have been working on our vows and this morning I was in tears of reverence as I thought through what they mean. These are no ordinary words! I am committing before God and witnesses that I will take this man to be my husband and love him for the rest of my life as I love myself. Even to put him before me! "Lord, are you kidding me?!" The very idea seems utterly ridiculous. Now don't get me wrong, Steve is a wonderful man. The problem is not with him but with me. The truth is I am painfully in love with my own desires and comforts. Never have I ever loved someone above myself. God's intention for marriage is that the two should become ONE flesh. We all know the sad truth that marriage in our society is suffering. Divorce rates are sky-high and often the marriages that do last are ones of learning to tolerate each other rather than celebrating one another. It seems to me that merely 'surviving' in marriage is no great victory. Call me crazy, but I believe there is so much more. This wondrous design of God can never succeed without His direct enabling and working in us to change us more and more into His likeness. We love because He first loved us, says 1 John 4:19.

In short, for this high calling of marriage I feel inadequate. I desperately need God to strip away the dark and selfish places of my heart and fill me with His love. How thankful I am that in Him there is an endless supply!

More to come...

No Fear

2009-06-23T14:13:00.007-05:00

Do you remember the clothing line that was hugely popular about 15 years ago? Everyone walked around with shirts that said "NO FEAR" in all different fonts and colors with graphics of scary looking faces next to the logos. It was a fad much like any other fad (pogs and slammers anyone?). Clearly no one wants to be considered a scaredy cat. But I must admit that I am!

If there is one thing I shouldn't be, it's fearful. God has led me and protected me through so many situations where I shouldn't have felt safe but somehow did. I wasn't afraid in Africa or in Asia or even as a cook in a strip club. Well, not after a couple of weeks anyway. But somehow when it comes to the day to day issues of life I find that I am a complete worry-wart. I worried myself ragged that perhaps I would never meet my handsome prince. Perhaps God would want me to stay single and I would be an old maid missionary. Then God blessed me with Steve and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Beyond my wildest dreams! Then I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find a job I loved that had good hours, and now I have a wonderful job that brings me great joy... most of the time. There is always something to fear. Recently I have had a couple of difficult patients and started worrying that I could make one mistake and end up losing my nursing license. Then there's children. Steve and I are constantly talking about and praying for the children we long to have. But what if we're like one of the other countless couples who for whatever reason can't seem to conceive? These are just some of the things over which I want to have control and don't. I think the times where it was easiest to have faith in God were the times when I knew without a doubt that my life and well-being was 100% in the hands of God. But isn't that ALWAYS true?

This week I've been thinking a lot about Isaiah 26:3. "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You." No matter what the future holds, my God is in control. I absolutely believe that mentally, and I really want that truth to be planted deep in my soul.

"There is NO FEAR in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." 1 John 4:18

My Lub

2009-06-13T18:21:00.000-05:00

On February 14th this year a few of us were playing Valentine Scrabble. Steve and I had tweeked the original rules so that any love-related word yielded a 10-point bonus. Despite my best efforts, I was stuck. One of Steve's roommates came over, peeked at my letters, and quickly pointed out a couple letters that would work. No one gets too uptight when this happens because I am really not much of a Scrabble threat. I was uncertain about the word Sean pointed out but he seemed confident and he is intelligent, so I laid down the letters to form "Lub". Apparently the word he wanted me to spell was "Lube" but I didn't think of that. Steve looked at "Lub", gave me a funny look and said, "what's lub got to do with it"? They gave me the points and even the 10-point bonus and ever since that day Steve and I have called each other "My lub".

Second only to God's saving grace, Steve Cross is the greatest blessing I have ever received. He is the man I used to dream about when I would daydream through Cinderella and Snow White. Because of my "lion" personality, my parents used to wonder what kind of man would be able to handle me. Nobody knew precisely what kind of man I needed, but God did. Steve has a way of leading me that is so strong and so gentle. He is wise and loyal and exceedingly patient. At times when he could get really irritated he stays calm and just loves me. The love he offers is such a beautiful picture in the flesh of the way Christ loves me.

We met "randomly" on August 15th of last year while I was passing through Colorado Springs. I was driving from Texas to Montana to start a travel nurse contract and met up briefly with my friend Alecia. She invited me to a birthday party for one of her friends. When Steve walked into the room and we were introduced we liked each other immediately. I felt this very strong sense that there was something different and very special about this handsome man. Later that evening I told my best friend that I had just met the man of my dreams, but I wasn't sure I would ever see him again! But then I was invited over to his house to play cards, then out for lunch the next day, then on a Saturday breakfast that lasted all day long. All too quickly it was time for me to leave for Montana, but we both knew it wasn't the end.

September 6th, 2009 is our wedding day. We have had a blast planning the details of our wedding day, but even more fun preparing for our life together. We signed our first lease (I move in July 1st!), found some basic furniture, and got a joint checking/savings account and have started budgeting together. We are both passionate about marriage and family and love to dream about what God might have in store for us. If the Lord blesses us in this way, we positively cannot wait to be parents! What a true treasure to raise children with the man I adore. We don't know where God will lead us, but whether here or on the other side of the world we will be together. Marriage will be a challenge, we are sure, but we look forward to how God will draw us closer to Himself through it. And we pray that our marriage will be a blessing to others and that it will point people to Jesus.

A couple of weeks ago our friend Matthew took some engagement photos of us. Here are some of them!

Joy Unspeakable

2009-05-17T22:59:00.008-05:00

The Lord has blessed me beyond words with a man after His own heart... a man that I have spent a majority of my life praying for and longing to meet. I will write the whole story soon, but for now I wanted to post a picture taken just minutes after Steve asked me to be his wife! We're looking at dates in early September or the end of August. I CANNOT WAIT to be Mrs. Cross!!!

Keep the Conscience Clause!!!

2009-03-24T16:36:00.003-05:00

You may have heard about President Obama's plan to rescind the Conscience Clause, which was put into place by President Bush to protect medical professionals who are pro-life. If Obama overturns this decision, pro-life doctors, nurses, etc. will all be required by law to participate in abortion procedures even though it completely violates our beliefs. As an RN this will directly effect my future career, as I would never be able to work at a job where participating in an abortion would be a possibility. The announcement was made on March 6, 2009, and the White House gave a 30-day opportunity for people to speak out about this issue. There are only a few days left for all of us who believe in the sanctity of human life to make our opinions known. Please go to the link below, sign the petition and spread the word!

http://beheardproject.com

Thank you and God bless!

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16

My Pals the Elderly

2009-03-10T18:50:00.002-05:00

Two months into my new and completely different-than-the-NICU job here in Colorado Springs I am finally getting into a groove. It's not a deep groove, mind you, but it's there. Suddenly I find myself completely comfortable asking, "Did you have a bowel movement today?" and "Can I check your bottom for pressure sores?"

Now, since I've brought up bowel movements, I cannot contain myself from going there. My mother is an RN and when Josh and I were kids we were not allowed to call a #2 "poop". It was a BM. That, she claimed, was the correct and least crude way of referring to this touchy subject. However, as we started making friends in school and at church we quickly realized that calling it a BM was certainly not what the cool kids were doing. We got teased relentlessly and quickly changed our terminology to be more socially correct. Though I have adopted the nursing term now, I have made a mental note to never do this to my children:). I love you, Mom!

Back to my job. For the most part home care here in Colordao works like home care in Mozambique. The only real differences are that I drive around a company Jeep rather than Suzie-Roo (personally I liked Suzie better) and carry a navy duffel bag rather than a big red backpack. That and I understand the language around here which is a nice change, but Sarah is not here and I hate that with a passion! The vast majority of my patients are over 65 and hilarious. If they are hard of hearing the visits are generally even more comical. Last week I asked a lady to take a keep breath and she responded, "TAKE MY TEETH OUT?" She had them halfway out of her mouth before I could stop her. Some are skeptical of my youth and look surprised when they open the door and I am standing there in my pink scrubs. One gentleman asked me if I was still in high school and I assured him that I was qualified to take care of him:). I'm learning SO much about how to dress various types of wounds, how to assess the heart and lungs, how to teach patients about CAD, CHF, diabetes, and seemingly endless other ailments. The continuity is wonderful, and I can develop relationships much more than I could in the hospital.

Having an 8-5 job has made it much more possible for me to spend a good amount of time with the Lord in the mornings, which I need desperately. I had gotten out of that habit working 12-hour shifts when I had to leave the house at 6:15am. I would easily convince myself that I needed the sleep more, but that just is never true! How MUCH I need Him to help me in my great weakness and to show patients His love and care. I used to think that nursing was just going to be a job, but I am seeing more and more how God created me to use nursing, wherever I am, to bring Him glory.

Time to go. I'm reading 'Poor People' by Fyodor Dostoevsky and can hardly put it down. Call me a geek, it's fine. Just be aware that I may, at some point, publicly ask if you are having regular BMs.

How did your parents teach you to refer to this touchy subject? Will you or are you doing the same with your kids?
Comments, please!

If You Love Someone, Tell 'Em!

2009-02-18T15:53:00.007-06:00

Recently I received a friendly reminder from my aunt that I am really slacking with the 'ol blog. It's not that I don't enjoy writing on here, it's just that *blush*... I enjoy spending time with a certain someone a whole lot more. But today I am done with work early and ready to get back in the groove.

It probably doesn't need to be said that Valentines Day was last Saturday. Everyone knows when it comes and everyone reacts differently... either very positive or very negative. My personal V-day motto is that you can never go "too overboard". People need to hear that they are loved. I certainly do! Some say it's a holiday invented by Hallmark. I don't believe there is factual evidence to back up that claim, but even if it's true I wouldn't mind. It's a great day regardless. I did a little digging this year and discovered that a primary reason for the cynicism is that most people view Valentines Day as a strictly romantic holiday. I found this information astonishing, because for me it has rarely, and I mean RARELY, been that. But since childhood I remember fondly getting chocolate "I HEART U" letters in the mail from my Aunt Kirsten and giving cards with candy to all of my classmates. One year in high school I had a basketball game, and my dad had a teammate put a beautiful card in my gym bag which I got after the game. I cried. In college my brother and I would spend Valentines Day together and it was always a great time. One year my dad brought me so many roses that I tried to trim them several at a time and nearly chopped my finger off. What an amazing man! It has never even been the gifts that made me feel so cared for, but the thought behind them. I love Valentines Day. Just typing about it I'm already excited for next year.

But that's jumping way ahead. This Valentines Day was the best ever (sorry dad)! The night before Steve and I got a heart-shaped pizza from Papa Murpheys. Honestly it wasn't the best tasting pizza ever made, but the shape completely made up for that. On Saturday we played "Valentine Scrabble", which was our own rendition of Scrabble with bonus points awarded for love-related words. Then I went home to get dressed up and Steve made an amazing dinner and the BEST homemade cheesecake I've ever had. And I'm not just saying that! It was white chocolate raspberry, my favorite. Then we went to see one of our favorite comedians, Brian Reagan, and finished the evening by fonduing with friends and playing cards. Here are some pics!

As for what else is new, I started helping Steve out on Sunday mornings with his preschool class. This past week it was just the two of us and seventeen 3-year-olds. We both agreed that 17 is too many, but we all had fun. At one point I had 3 kids on my lap and I looked down to see a little boy with his messy finger at my eye level saying "I have a boogey!" Priceless. Steve was quite a trooper trying to get them to settle down so he could tell a Bible story! Next month Steve has a softball league starting and I will hopefully get to play sometimes as a sub. I really like batting but the outfield is... a different story. So Steve has been teaching me how to throw not quite so pathetically "girly", and I think real progress is being made! Tomorrow we are starting ballroom dance lessons!!! Guess whose idea that was, tee hee hee? I am SO EXCITED.

My new job is awesome. I'll have to post something about that soon!

XOXO

Happy Thursday

2009-01-15T19:09:00.003-06:00

Uff da. Anyone else say that a lot? Oh well, I guess I do. Though not so obvious in North Dakota where Norwegian slang is the norm, it seems a little out of place here in Colorado. Try as I might, it's a habit that's not going away any time soon.

My new job started on Monday and boy do I have a lot to learn. I've switched from neonatal intensive care and 12-hour rotating shifts to home health care and semi-normal hours. When I was looking for jobs this one just flew out at me. I loved home care in Africa and I knew it would be a good stretch for me and that I would learn oodles. So I'm very excited!! The problem is I know next to nothing about adult nursing. Sarah and I set our own schedule and pace in Africa and were able to just figure things out as we went along. Additionally, with the language barrier we weren't really able to recognize complicated medical diagnoses. We did what we could and prayed a lot. I can handle that! But I think I'd get fired if I just did a coin flip for my patients here. Hmm. Heads, "Maybe I can do something to help you." Tails, "YIKES! You're doomed." Though my coworkers encourage me by saying I can think of these patients as "big babies", I'm not convinced. It's not that I don't have my ducks in a row... I'm just not sure I have any ducks at all. Fortunately there is a really good orientation and I'm trying to spend evenings studying up on my med/surg nursing from back in college days (that makes me feel old). Everyone I work with is wonderful and to top things off I get a company Jeep! Plus I enjoy getting to be out and about in the beauty of the Rocky Mountains every day rather than cooped up in a hospital. I'll really miss the babies though.

It's Happy Thursday! Around here that means there is a new episode of The Office on tv and we're all going to watch it together. At the moment I have Jeopardy on in the background. I always listen to the very top question because sometimes... sometimes, mind you, I know that answer to that one. During the rest of the show I try to tune out.

Too Much Cuteness

2009-01-09T09:22:00.011-06:00

These are Steve's nieces and nephews. They are off the charts!!!!

Kenzie is 7 months old and is definitely an angel baby.

Caden is 2 1/2 and proudly showing off his Christmas sweater.

This is Nathaniel who is brand new as of Thanksgiving! In this picture he was scowling because he was gassy. I'm not sure what my excuse was... perhaps the same??

Autumn is quite the character! In addition to many other games, this talented 4-year-old trounced me in Wii bowling. I mean, it wasn't even CLOSE! Yikes.

Autumn LOVES her Uncle Steve. Because of that I managed to find favor in her eyes also:).

This is totally unrelated to Christmas and Steve's nieces and nephews, but it's a fun photo and I'm very excited about my new home in the mountains of Colorado!

The "L-Bomb" :)

2009-01-05T18:15:00.006-06:00

A quick glance at years past reveals that New Year's Eve has never been too exciting for me. I usually anticipate an amazing night and wind up disappointed. This year was different! Our group of friends here in the Springs decided to go to Cowboys... a club which, as the name implies, plays country music and encourages line dancing. Hoorah!

We started the evening by tacking an exhaustive list of restaurants in Colorado Springs to the refrigerator and taking turns tossing a green marker at it to narrow down our options. In case you're confused it's quite logical really... whatever restaurant the marker left a print on would be added to the list of options. After a lot of giggling, we finally wrote the name of the restaurant we all wanted to go to in HUGE letters at the bottome of the list, then threw the marker until we hit it.

After a great dinner we split up into our various vehicles and headed for Cowboys. During the drive I was talking passionately with Steve about a situation I felt was unjust, and what we should do about it. He was trying to get a word in edgewise and I just wouldn't let him do so. After one particulary blatant interuption, Steve (who rarely gets frustrated), said... "GINNA." I stopped, suddenly realizing what I was doing. Not only that, but I also felt an overwhelming conviction that interrupting people is something I do a lot when I am worked up. Just that morning I had been praying that the Lord would reveal my flaws so that I can work on them. He was answering my prayer and I immediately proceeded to burst into tears. "Do I do that a lot?" I asked Steve through my sobs, while in my mind quickly making a list of everyone I know so that I could call and apologize for my rudeness. "Because I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!" Steve very gently replied that though I can occasionally cut people off, he knew it was unintentional and emphasised that we all have things we need to work on. When he parked, he pulled me close to him and started to pray for me. When he finished (tears were still streaming down my cheeks) he took my face in his hands and said, "I love you." Oh boy, if that didn't really open the floodgates. It was completely unexpected! Granted, there have been many times in the last several months when I've seen love in his eyes and thought, "He loves me... why doesn't he just say it?" But he wanted to wait for the perfect time and was praying that God would show him when it came.

Really there could not have been a better time for Steve to tell me what was in his heart. Since he chose to speak those wonderful words NOT at a time when I was feeling particularly love-able (in fact, I was feeling like scum) I truly knew that he meant it. I felt completely transparent before him and at the same time marvelously safe. In that moment I also felt God whispering His love to me and knew that I had been in this place of transparency and safety with God many times before. The times when I am convicted of the ugly sin in my life are quite often the times when I really hear and receive God's love. They are also the times when I know without a shadow of a doubt that I don't deserve it. I know I don't deserve God's love, and I know I don't deserve Steve's love either. Both are indescribable showers of blessing for me... a very broken and flawed woman. Day by day God is healing the brokenness, and with His help I am working on the flaws. But what a wonderful thing to know in the middle of the journey that I am loved. And so are YOU.

P.S. After the balling slowed to a manageable stream, I also told Steve how much I love him. With all my heart.

Happy New Year!!!

2008-12-31T12:08:00.005-06:00

With so much hype leading up to December 25th, it's always a let-down when the holiday festivities come to a rapid end. No more tinsel or bon bons, no more lights or "hustle and bustle", no more carols or mistletoe (boo).

The eve of the new year always brings a wave of nostalgia as we reminisce about the year gone by. For me, 2008 was an emotional one! This year I was in 3 weddings, sang at another, and positively sobbed my way through my BFFs "surprise" wedding in June. Standing beside some of my closest friends as they tied the knot was an amazing thing. One of them (Rachel) is now expecting a baby! In July I knew it was time to leave Fargo, but where to go? A long road trip in August brought me through Colorado Springs, where I met Steve! Four months have already gone by, and I'm positively crazy about this man.

Since it's been so long since I posted, here's a December recap. After finishing my nursing contract in Billings mid-December, I high-tailed it back to Fargo so I could spend the night with Sarah and Justin. The next day brought the first of many family Christmas celebrations, and the holidays were off to a great start. Two days were then spent snowed in with my family on the farm, enjoying the worst blizzard since 1997. We spent the day in our pajamas, playing games and making massive amounts of Christmas cookies. Even my dad got in on the frosting fun!! Then there was a flurry of lunches and sleep-overs with friends, seeing new babies and catching up. Somewhere during that week I got in a car accident... my "2nd annual". Hopefully the tradition will end there. Stupid ice!!! Steve FINALLY arrived on the 19th. We spent several days with my family and friends, then headed to Illinois (where he is from) on Christmas Eve. A candlelight service at his home church that night was a moment of peace amidst all of the hubbub. During the service the Lord reminded me of the reason we celebrate. So often I sing Christmas carols and neglect to actually ponder the words. But this year 'O Holy Night' caused tears to stream down my face.

"Long lay the world, in sin and error pining
'til He appeared and the soul felt it's worth
A THRILL of HOPE, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
O night divine
O night, when Christ was born

Truly He taught us to love on another
His law is LOVE and His Gospel is PEACE
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease"

These are not all the words, of course, but what beauty and wonder is captured in this song! Think of the thrill of the shepherds, who knew that the Savior of the world had just been born. Think of the hope of Mary and Joseph, as they held God's son in their arms. Here was the One to deliver them from sin!!! How rarely I fall on my knees in worship. Here is found the true reason for Christmas. It isn't Santa Claus, or buying things or even all of the time with family (though that is wonderful). The reason is Jesus! He was and continues to be the greatest gift the world will ever know.

Meeting Steve's family and playing with his nieces and nephews... Autumn, Caden, Kenzie and Nathaniel... was just awesome! Time passed too quickly and we didn't want to leave. But as quickly as it began, "poof", Christmas was gone. A highlight of our time in Illinois was when Steve took me to see the Broadway musical "Wicked" in Chicago. It was INCREDIBLE!!! If you ever get the chance to see it, you really must.

Anyway, as of a few days ago I am comfortably moved to Colorado Springs and have two roommates... Alecia and her dog, Opie. I'm enjoying time off and job hunting. I'll enjoy my time off a little bit more once I have a job nailed down... I think it will be soon, but time will tell.

At the brink of year's end, I am most thankful for the mercy of God in all things. Though I neglect Him, He continues to pursue me. Though I put my own needs before the needs of others far too often, He speaks gently to do better. He reminds me that He came not to be served, but to serve. My only "resolution" for 2009 is to fight for more of Him every single day.

"Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. John 16:24

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FRIENDS!!!!

Yeah Team World Vision!

2008-11-04T22:09:00.002-06:00

Chicago Marathon 2008,Yeah Team!, originally uploaded by Team World Vision.

In only 3 short years, Team World Vision has grown from 50 participants in 2006, 500 in 2007 and over 1000 in 2008!

Photo from the Death Run :)

2008-11-04T22:04:00.002-06:00

Chicago Marathon 2008, originally uploaded by Team World Vision.

Twenty-Eight

2008-10-28T22:32:00.020-05:00

Steve turned 28 on the 24th, and I got to be in Colorado Springs to celebrate with him! It was fantastic (of course). Besides the obvious reason being in Colorado is so enjoyable, I also have loved getting to know Steve's friends. They are GREAT! I am planning to take a travel nursing position in Colorado Springs starting in January, and will move in with Alecia... with whom there is never a dull moment (right up my alley)! Being separated from family and friends for the last couple of months has taught me a lot about the beauty of fellowship. I need relationship. I need to love and be loved. I can't wait to have a roommate again and also a group of friends that gets together to watch football on Sundays, make meals for each other, encourage one another, laugh together and build each other up. And Steve and I will be in the same city at last!! It really can't come soon enough.

Steve loves superheroes:).

Pikes Peak at sunset!

Being swept away into a giant dust pan in front of the Denver Art Museum

Steve and Matthew's birthday party at Rock Bottom

Birthday cupcakes!

Oh Matthew:).

My soon-to-be roomie, Alecia

About to get ice cream...

Steve thinks he looks like Casper the ghost in this picture:)...

Josh and John's ice cream is the BEST!!!

Drawing me a picture with crayons...

:)

Tagged.

2008-10-27T09:51:00.004-05:00

I've been tagged by both Cassie and Liesl, so it's time for me to participate! I'm supposed to list seven random tidbits about myself. Hmm... here it goes!

1. Both of my thumbs are double jointed in two places. Truly! The result of this is that I can bend them both back in a very awkward way. This is my one and only stupid human trick.

2. I have been known to laugh, talk and yes... even walk... in my sleep.

3. I played the flute for 7 years when I was younger, and can still pick it up and play a decent tune. I noticed that Jen Price is a fellow flautist. Jen, we should really perform a duet at some point:)!!!

4. Though I hail from North Dakota, I've NEVER been to Canada. How is this possible?

5. When I was a little girl I was absolutely convinced that someday I would be an Olympic gymnast. The problem was, I was completely uncoordinated. Beth, Emma and Cassie can all affirm this. My gymnastics career lasted all of 6 months... but I must admit, I've secretly hoped since then that the needed skill would suddenly just arrive. Maybe 2012?!?

6. I've eaten worms, termites and many other "delicacies".

7. I love to climb trees!!!

"Train yourself..."

2008-10-14T10:04:00.002-05:00

I ran it for Chelsea. It was, after all, her first marathon and my fourth. When the going got tough she would need me to reassure her that she could do it. Right??? 26.2 miles later, Chelsea was dragging my dehydrated and completely shattered body across the finish line. I learned hard lessons on Sunday. That 4 hours and 48 minutes was the most excruciating of my life.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I did not train very well for this marathon. Oh, I had plenty of excuses for that. I just moved. I don't have time. I don't know where the good trails are. It's too hot. It's too cold. The air is too thin. I'm tired of running! My joints hurt. On and on. I also had plenty of reasons why, regardless of my lack of preparedness, I would run splendidly on race day. It's all mental. I'm still in pretty good shape. I just ran a half marathon in a good time. I know what to expect now. I'm skinnier than last year. I eat the right foods. On and on. Anything to keep from admitting that I just had not put in enough training runs.

What I was lacking in actual preparedness I was certainly not lacking in confidence! Oh brother. At the starting line I felt great and breezed through the first couple of miles only concerned about pacing ourselves so we could pick up speed at the end of the race. Around mile 3 my stomach started letting me know that all was not well, and by mile 5 I was just plain miserable. Thus began the battle. I had never experienced this before! Where was the runner's high? The feel of floating along with the cheering of the crowds? Today the throngs of people on the sidewalks were just plain irritating. Why was I running and they were watching? Why, oh why, wasn't I with them instead of with the crazy runners? At mile 6 I told Chelsea the truth: I felt completely horrible and frankly there was no way in the world I was going to be able to finish that race! I told her to run ahead and she said no. I told her again to go and run her best, but again she said no. She said we would make it, one mile at a time. By mile 10 I was dry heaving on the side of the road as we ran. This continued for about two miles, with nothing to show for it. I had felt so sick the first few miles that I wasn't drinking very much at the water stations. By the half-way point the sun was baking us, the temperature was in the mid-80s, and I was in big trouble. I realized that I had stopped sweating and was starting to feel very dizzy. At the next water station I forced myself to drink water and Gatorade to avoid collapsing, but damage had already been done. I had to hold on to Chelsea at one point and she was consistently asking me questions. "Do you need to sit? How are you feeling? I don't want to have to find a stretcher for you!" Sometimes she just continued on in a determined silence. I knew she had made up her mind that she was not only going to get herself to the end, but she was bringing me with her. What selflessness! We passed a med tent and I looked longingly inside at the several runners getting iced and being treated for dehydration. It looked like heaven and I wanted to join them. "We're going to finish," Chelsea said. I wanted to ask how she was doing but I just didn't have it in me. All I had was the occasional moan and grunt of... "AH, HOT." What a day.

Crossing the finish line I didn't have tears to cry. But Chelsea put her arm around me, a huge smile on her face and said, "We did it." Not only had we done it, but we only finished 18 minutes slower than our goal time! Not too bad considering the conditions. I thanked her over and over again for staying with me, and promised her a faster marathon next year. I promised I would train hard for that one, and I will keep that promise as long as my body allows me to do so!

Looking back from where I sit now I can see God's hand everywhere. He used that miserable Sunday to teach me some valuable lessons. Marathons are not the only thing that require training.

"Train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:7-8

Sometimes I hit the streets in life like I hit the streets of Chicago. I haven't been training. I'm overconfident in my "spirituality" and think I can follow God with excellence, even when He is far from my first priority. But that is a deception of the mind which allows me to grow sluggish in my pursuit of Him. Godliness does not come easily, and drawing near to God absolutely must be a priority that I simply cannot afford to brush away. The results of training to be godly are too valuable to miss.

Another lesson. At times in the past several years when I have faced crises of life and of faith, I've needed "Chelseas" to drag me along even when I've felt defeated. Even when I've wanted to throw in the towel. Friends and family have faithfully stood by me and said, "You're going to make it. Look to Jesus. I'm right here with you." Again I find myself in awe of this deep love, shown to me by so many, and wanting desperately to be that voice of loving endurance for others. That is, after all, what following Jesus is all about: loving Him and loving others selflessly.

After 48 hours the many blisters on my toes are starting to heal and my legs are not quite as sore. Steve came to see me yesterday during my short layover in Denver (so sweet!) and I managed to run from my gate to where he was with no problem:). I also met his sister, Cathleen, this weekend! She met me for the World Vision banquet on Saturday night, and it was fantastic getting to know her a little bit. What a sweetheart! It was SO nice that Josh and Sarah drove down from North Dakota as well. The final blessing of Chicago was getting to see a dear college friend, Sarah Johnson, for several hours before going to the airport. She and her husband moved to Chicago not long before I moved to Africa and it has been well over two years since I saw them. What true gifts from the Lord they have been to me over the years! The whole weekend was a blast and will be remembered fondly...

...all except Sunday morning. But from it I have learned.

What's New?

2008-10-10T00:11:00.002-05:00

Autumn is without question my favorite time of the year. When autumn comes around I will go more than a little out of my way to jump on crunchy-looking leaves, and I have been doing just that as much as possible for the past two weeks. This is the time when the trees radiate beauty and originality. They are tired of being green and instead burst into unique combinations of golds, yellows, oranges, browns, and reds. There is a crispness and a joy about autumn that is simply captivating. Thank You, God, for this. Another blissful reason to celebrate the arrival of fall is, of course, football season.

To this I raise the purple and gold and say with gusto, "GO VIKINGS". They may only be 2-3 thus far, but it's still early.

Tonight brings the arrival of a not-so-beloved season, winter. Tonight the wind is howling, a blizzard is forecasted, and I'm wondering if my flight to Chicago tomorrow will be delayed or not. Somehow marathon time is back! This time I will sheepishly admit that I have not trained as hard as I should have, but running with two friends will definitely keep me from stopping. Really I am only nervous about how much pain I will be in come Sunday afternoon. "Why do I keep putting myself through this?" I wonder. I can't explain it completely, but the rush of finishing is just so entirely worth the agony of getting there. I find many spiritual parallels while I run, and experience God in a very deep way. I simply cannot give that up. My brother and sister-in-law are driving down for the weekend thanks to some rain that is keeping them out of the fields. I know I should not be happy about the rain which slows harvest, but I will admit I am a selfish creature... so thankful for the rain I am. I can't wait to see my sibbys!!

Sarah Irish is now Sarah Moline!!! Two nights before the long-awaited event we lay in bed as we had done so many times before... talking. I read to Sarah one of our favorite Psalms and we rejoiced. We prayed. I cried (of course). We talked of this beautiful and mysterious thing called love. And finally we dozed off, delighted. God had heard our prayers and had blessed Sarah with Justin. Pictures from the wedding can be found by clicking the 'My Snappies' link. As for a newlywed update... it is wonderful to hear the joy in my friend's voice as she speaks about her new husband. All is well for the new Molines! For me one of the best parts of the weekend was having a very special someone fly in from Colorado to be my date for the wedding. More on that later in the post... :)

I am adjusting to life in Billings, although I must say that I'm still learning how to cope with days off.
They really can be incredibly lonely! My solution for this is simply to work as much as possible. St. Vincents NICU is really fantastic (yes, those really are light-up trees over the isolettes!!) and I just plain love being a NICU nurse.

For me it is a perfect combination of the tense, the calm, the chaotic and the humorous. One minute I can be rocking a baby to sleep and the next minute an alarm will send me running down the hall to a delivery. That is always a nice adrenaline rush at 3:45am! A few nights ago while I was changing her diaper a sweet little girl shot a stream of poo so far that it soiled a curtain 2 feet from her bed:). Nice shot!! She got a swift dunk in the tub and the rest of us got a good laugh. I love my coworkers. I love seeing babies grow from under a pound to 8 pound, healthy newborns who are going home. It's awesome getting to know the families of our babies, and helping them feel comfortable and bond with their premie. Yes, I love my job. It's not Africa but it's where God has me and I am thankful. He knows what He is doing and everything He does is good. There is so much peace in knowing that!

Hmm, while on the subject of God's sweet goodness, I think this would be a good time to introduce Steve:). Steve is... well... fantastic. I hesitate to try to explain him too much because I just wouldn't be able to do him justice. He is sweet, hilarious and loves Jesus to put it simply... and I could go on and on about the strength of his character and the way he embraces life. He makes me feel like the most special girl in the world. I don't deserve it, but you won't hear me complaining:)! Here are a few photos. Guaranteed he will be included in stories in future posts, so now you can get an idea of how adorable he is in advance:).

I don't know about anyone else, but this election business is really starting to drive me crazy. Still, I can't help but glue myself to the news and the debates and wonder what the decision will be come November. I watch as the rest of the world watches us... knowing full well that the person we elect will directly affect them too. It makes me sad the the #1 issue at the front of our minds is our own economy. The fact that we are having to tighten our belts a little bit is absolutely unthinkable to us as Americans, even to many of us who follow Christ. Yet we still are so slow to see the rest of the world who struggles... not with making mortgage payments or putting gas in their car because those things are unfathomable to most of our brothers and sisters around the globe. No, what many are thinking about his how they will feed their starving children. So I watch in the debates for signs that the candidates care about poverty. I listen to rally speeches where the chant is a resounding, "USA, USA, USA..." and think, hmm. As a citizen of the Kingdom of God that is not my chant. Indeed it cannot be if I truly want to follow Him. His chant is for the world... for the poor.

My whole being will exclaim, "Who is like you, O LORD ? You rescue the poor from those too strong for them, the poor and needy from those who rob them." Psalm 35:10

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

I realize it is idealistic of me to expect a presidential candidate to seek good for all the countries of the world rather than just one country. But it is not idealistic to expect and pursue that as Christ's body. There is no time to lose, and it delights me straight to my bones as I watch so many of my brothers and sisters pursue that very thing. Take the Shervheims for example, who with 5 young children of their own recently adopted two eastern European little girls with Down Syndrome. Or the Kellers, on the road to adopting a child from Ethiopia and with the vision of helping 100+ families in the Fargo area to do the same. Or Collette, who recently stepped out in faith and purchased a home to be used as a haven for international students on the NDSU campus. Alone in a foreign country, at her home they find love and acceptance. And of course there are our brothers and sisters abroad, in countries of desperate need but full of people with incomprehensible resolve and endurance... and faith. I learned recently that Carlos and the team in Mozambique is expanding to two new, very needy communities. My heart swelled with joy at this news! I am so proud of my Mozambiquan brothers and sisters, as well as my Canadian, Irish, South African, English, Dutch, Zambian and American brothers and sisters who continue so diligently to love their neighbor as they love themselves throughout southern Africa. I am humbled and often shamed by their servant-hood... their selflessness. God bless you all.

THE COUNTDOWN...

2008-09-10T18:04:00.004-05:00

Folks, we are at T minus THREE days until Sarah-ki and Justin's wedding. I can't believe it. Yes, the tears are already flowing. Oh boy... someone hand me some tissues! I'm on my way to Fargo!!!!!

Lovely Colorado and New Home Montana

2008-08-31T16:29:00.008-05:00

I made it! After putting 5500 miles on my trusty Impala and visiting 14 states, I am finally settled in Billings and working at St. Vincents Hospital. Colorado was amazing... I will refrain from elaborating at this point but I met some really great people there and had a fabulous time! A definite highlight was when Emma flew down for the weekend so that we could go to a LIVE taping of Adventures in Odyssey. We have both been fans of this radio show since we were kids, and you would have thought we were meeting the most famous people on the planet considering how excited we were about getting autographs!! Emma got to give Jimmy Barclay a hug, and I got to hear Eugene say "Greetings and salutations" face to face. Yes, it was a perfect day.

Ah Billings. The NICU here is great! I enjoy the nurses I will be working with and love my job as much as ever. The most difficult thing to get used to has been their computerized charting, but now that I'm adjusting it's really nice! As a travel nurse a fully-furnished apartment is provided by the company. Mine is much nicer than I would ever need, so I am very thankful for this blessing even while I feel guilty for living in such extravagance. Instead of focusing on the latter, I am praying that God would help me to use my little home to bless others. I'm reading 'The City of Joy' currently, and it will most definitely end up on my list of all-time favorites. The setting is Calcutta and it is a beautiful book.

Being in a new city has its pros and cons. My adventure-loving side is having a blast exploring and learning about my new stomping grounds. My people-loving side is just needing a hug. It's strange being in a place where not one single face is familiar! Struggling with this, I brought it to the Lord this morning. Isn't it crazy and wonderful how no matter where we are we can go into God's presence and find that we are... home. So, all is well.

Less than two weeks until Sarah and Justin's wedding! I plan on collecting as many hugs as I can from as many people as possible:).

Solitude

2008-08-13T12:24:00.003-05:00

This lone road-tripping is interesting to say the least. I'm used to having something to do and plenty of people to see every day and now I find myself... alone. It's good for me. Keith, AJ and Tyler were my three adventure pals the last couple of days, and they just left to head back to Texas. We had a great time! I did manage to do a face plant off my mountain bike yesterday and injure my arm. It hurts a lot... but considering I'm between health insurance I'm not too keen on the idea of going in for xrays. No bones are sticking out so I think it should heal nicely. Some nurse, right:)?!? The plan was to go white water kayaking today, but we were all too beat up and exhausted for that. Maybe next summer. I swung by the Grand Canyon on my way up here and it was GORGEOUS! I'll post some pictures of that soon. It's quite a hole in the ground.

With the boys gone, I'm feeling the silence. My job in Montana doesn't start until the 25th, and I can't move up there until the 22nd (the apartment opens for me then). Needless to say, I've still got a good amount of time to hang out in Colorado. Please send me any prayer requests that you may have... I'd be delighted to pray for you!

The midwifery school in the Philippines continues to excite me, and I've begun to think in that direction. Since it starts in August, it would give me another year to work and save money before making a two year move. If you want to check it out, the website it http://www.midwifeschool.org/index.html

I'll be on the road again today, so give me a call!

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Psalm 27:4-5

Travels - Arizona

2008-08-10T13:18:00.013-05:00

The drive to Phoenix was beautiful. I had purchased the soundtrack from my all-time favorite movie, "Once", and sat back to enjoy the view. Wandering along the Old West Scenic Highway I found myself gasping and blurting out "WAY TO GO GOD!!!" as mountains of rock and colors of sky converged solely to take my breath away. The most stunning places were always strategically located so that there was no place to pull over and take a picture, but I'm quite sure it couldn't have been captured on film anyway. Stepping out of the car at the end of the road I was blasted with heat that reminded me of Africa, and I was immediately thankful for air conditioning. Seeing Megan again is amazing. She has a depth, humor and honesty about her that both refreshes and challenges me. We made each other laugh late into the night until I, of course, fell asleep first. It's always special to be able to see a dear friend's home, meet their family and friends, and put images to stories that I've been hearing since we've known each other.

Today we talked again about future plans, about what "God's will" actually means, how to make our love for Him translate into more than an hour spent with Him in the mornings, and how fear so often prevents us from following Him recklessly. I mentioned midwifery school again and the resulting intense conflict between that desire and my longing to be back overseas. She calmly asked why I wasn't looking into midwifery schools abroad. Third world midwifery schools. That touched one of those deep fears I hold. I've always assumed that when I went back overseas for any length of time it would be with someone. That someone can't be Sarah, since she is getting married next month. To be perfectly and painfully honest, I've been holding onto a need to be in the States, even though I don't want to be. I've felt that it would be helpful if I gave God time to introduce me to someone fabulous who wants to follow God recklessly... together. But I can't hold that expectation, so I'll stop.

Already I've discovered a midwifery program in the Philippines that makes my heart beat faster. How will I know if it's right? Maybe I won't. But I can look at the passions and talents that God has given me and get clues. In Matthew 25 Jesus tells the story of a master who entrusted his servants with talents of silver. Two of the servants took risks and the amount of talents they received were doubled. But a third servant was filled with fear. He didn't want to risk losing his talent, so he buried it and the master was very displeased. He took the third servant's talent away and gave it to the one who had risked the most. So should I sit around waiting for God to reveal His "perfect" location and school for me, or maybe what He wants for me more than anything is to take a risk. Stick my neck out a little bit. I'll be praying about that during my long drive to Durango, Colorado tomorrow!

A sign we saw in downtown Phoenix. AWESOME!!!

Megan at work!

Stuck in the boot.

Didn't quite make it in time!! :)

Travels - North Dakota to New Mexico and everything in between.

2008-08-08T12:33:00.000-05:00

I am seated at a tune-up shop in El Paso, Texas, just miles from the Mexico border. The past week has been full of randomness and wonder, and I am amazed by God. The interviews for California nursing jobs never did happen, since both positions were filled before I could even compete with them. No matter. When my siblings and I left for vacation in Texas, I had no idea where I'd end up. We made it to Kerrville just in time for Sarah's dad's 50th birthday party. It was such a raucous event that we secretly hoped the police would show up! I was delighted. After a day of rest (and a good amount of belly flops in the pool), eight of us "younger" people piled into two cars and headed to Big Bend for an overnight camping trip. Who knew such rugged beauty lived in Texas? We saw three tiny baby bears and their mama as we drove that night, and the most stunning starry sky I've seen in the Northern hemisphere. An obnoxious snorer in a nearby tent thwarted our sleeping efforts late into the night. This, however, was a very good thing as our bag of coal caught fire and we were still awake to put it out before things got ugly. During a long hike the next morning we met a different baby bear and its mama... directly in front of us on the trail! A strange mix of excitement and fear tingled all over me and I was thankful for the four men in our company all being 6'4 or taller. I could hide:) We also had the privilege of spotting a snake, a roadrunner, a jackrabbit (HUGE ears), and a deer. Not to mention a "mountain lion" that turned out to be a squirrel. It looked scary from a distance, trust me:).

It was time to go west even farther to Bloys Camp Meeting... an odd, once a year tradition that has been taking place since 1890. Sarah's descendants helped start it, and today 1200 people pack out tin cabins for a week of family time and rich tradition. The rules have been in place since the start and include such gems as "hold all applause during church services" (optional chapel was held three times a day) and "no taking photos on Sundays". I was thrilled with the whole rustic affair, from chasing the spiders out of our cabin at the beginning of the week to wiggling through hardly touched caves to hours of volleyball to sitting on the front porch watching my mom learn how to knit and listening to the men debate politics and religion. With hardly any cell phone service, the job search continued, and I was offered positions in Denver Colorado and Billings, Montana. I accepted Billings and start on August 25th. Yesterday my siblings flew home with my parents and I was left with my car, two weeks before starting my new position, and lots of country to be explored. While falling asleep last night with fiddlers in the background imploring Ol' Dan Tucker to "git oudda the way" I excitedly planned. Today I'm making my way to Phoenix to see my dear friend Megan. Just as soon as the kind mechanics here are finished prodding, filling, balancing and rotating, I'll be back on the road. 2500 miles and 6 states down, LOTS more to come!

Our cabin

Porch sitters!!!

Preparing myself to squeeze through a tiny hole into a very dark unknown.

If Keith can do it, I can do it!!!

Free

2008-07-30T09:41:00.005-05:00

With bags nearly packed, possessions disbursed, and feeling chock-full of great memories from THREE going away parties thrown by my amazingly stunning friends... I'm ready to hit the road. The question is, where to? First to Texas for a week of vacation with my family. After that, I'm rather unsure. There is a high likelihood that I will be going to some city in California, but applying for travel nursing positions has not been nearly as seamless or simple as I thought it would be. Most hospitals want 2 years of NICU experience, which I don't have. Regardless, tomorrow I will have a phone interview that could land me a 13-week position either in San Diego or Modesto. If the interview doesn't go well, perhaps I'll just point the car in a direction and see where I end up. HA:). This is fun. I've been asked about a thousand times if I feel nervous at all, and I suppose I really should. But there's none of that. I have such a peace about leaving that even though I don't know where I'm going, it's ok. God knows where I will end up, and that's enough. But I would appreciate your prayers! I'll keep you posted as I travel.

"For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living." Psalm 116:8-9

Scattered

2008-07-28T17:26:00.008-05:00

Something deep within me screams for beauty
Its appearance in the oddest of places
Suddenly with the coming of sun after rain
In Charlie's face... Charlie with down syndrome
Discovered today: a scrap of paper loaded with memories
Of a year past.
In church with a best friend on either side
Fighting tears at the safety of such a thing.
Her eleventh week of a longed-for pregnancy
The fear of it
The joy
Imagine little fingers and toes.
We need rain God!
Please send rain.
Leaving the grocery store:
"Can you spare some change?"
Startled. Rare here.
An empty wallet save for $3 and some change
Hardly anything
"Every little bit helps"... the response
What can anyone do except
Every little bit
As hard as possible
For Jesus.

Tingly with Excitement!!!

2008-07-10T08:11:00.008-05:00

The last week has been a crazy one... I put in my two weeks' notice at Meritcare (which was very difficult... I LOVE my coworkers) and began making preparations to leave Fargo. God has been challenging me in many ways regarding the 'stuff' I have accumulated, and teaching me to hold possessions very loosely. He is definitely asking me to "put my money where my mouth is" to borrow the phrase. I am trying earnestly to be obedient and the more I am, the more freedom and joy that I feel. All I really need is HIM! In early August my family is going camping in Texas, and I'll fly directly from there to California to take my first travel nursing assignment. It will be 8 weeks and a lot of work, but I'm excited!! Since travel nursing assignments are only 8 weeks, there will be plenty of amazing opportunities to travel... like the opportunity to spend 4 weeks in Africa in October!!! I'm seriously praying about doing that. The thought of being in Africa again gives me so many excited butterflies in my stomach that I've hardly been able to eat anything the past couple of days. I've kept in touch with several friends in South Africa who are part of an organization called Ten Thousand Homes (www.tenthousandhomes.org) and God is doing some amazingly sa-weet stuff. I'd like to visit them for a few days to check it out, then head up to Mozambique... where I am quite sure I left my heart. Maybe I'll find it and if I do, I'll let you know:).

Though I am excited about the news things on the horizon, the biggest challenge of leaving is saying goodbye to the amazing friendships I have here. God has blessed my socks off, that is for sure. I'll miss the coziness of having such dear friends so close at hand. The other day Isaac's babysitter was sick, so I got to hang out with him while Tiffany was at work. I'll miss things like that. We had a GREAT time! Here are some pics...

Does Jazz like Reeses Puffs?! Yup.

Isaac wanted to make sure that I got a picture with Jazz too:).

Here he wanted me to take a picture of Jazz's butt:). We laughed about that for a while.

CUTE!!!!

Hungry

2008-06-24T13:16:00.006-05:00

Just moments ago, the news flashed onto CNN that Morgan Tsvangirai has formally withdrawn from Zimbabwe's race for President. The implications of this for the people of Zimbabwe cannot be fathomed. There will continue to be violence, especially towards the brave Zimbabweans who stuck out their necks to vote against current president Robert Mugabe's evil regime. There will continue to be hunger, with store shelves empty and inflation so out of control that residents remain unable to pay for anything that may be available. And I complain about the price of gas. Meanwhile, the rising price of oil affects so much more than those of us who are now forced to think twice about driving to Minneapolis for the weekend to do a little shopping (feeling sorry for me?). The world food shortage continues to increase, drastically affecting millions of lives. It is completely unacceptable that countless across the globe are starving. But what do I care? My stomach is pleasantly full.

Lately I have noticed the ease with which I can get swept up into materialism and the love of money. I see again and again that the cares of the world impact me at a much more alarming rate than the love of Christ in me seeks to impact the world. It's a simple thing for the radical love that blesses the poor, the meek, the merciful, and the peacemaker to be forgotten because it's completely unnatural apart from walking daily with Jesus. With a renewed understanding of my own selfishness and an intense desire for a holiness that sends this ugliness packing, I've been falling back down on my knees and asking God for ears that hear the cries of the hungry and the groans of the oppressed. I want to hear those voices more than the voices everywhere screaming that I "deserve" more... better... more... better... more... better. You get the idea. We all hear them.

So, I'm working on a new budgeting system that perhaps I could hold a little bit closer to Scripture without squirming as violently. I will soon be taking my first travel nursing position... destination currently unknown. Oh, and the Air Force? What was I thinking? As the date to sign the contract grew closer, the reservations began to well up in me to a boiling point. I was reminded by my wise dad what joining the Air Force would entail, and the gentle advice that even if the money looked good, perhaps this wasn't for me. He is so right. For one thing, how could I sign a contract that would own me completely for the next several years? There are more reasons, and ones closer to my heart... but I'll leave it at that. I'm excited to see how God will provide for graduate school. He will... I know it. And I also know that He will use those of us who have bread to provide it for others who need some. We are His hands and feet after all! I, for one, could stand to get a lot more concerned about feeding hungry crowds of 5000. Before performing a miracle, didn't Jesus first say to his disciples... "You give them something to eat." And what they had they gave to Him. Something to think about.

No More...

2008-06-07T19:11:00.002-05:00

"You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; You encourage them, and You listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." Psalm 10:17-18

At this time last year I was getting ready to go back to South Africa after several days in Nigeria. I have often considered that trip over the past year, and it continues to hold my heart firmly. On four different occasions I sat in brothels and listened to the stories of the women who live and work there. It left me feeling an urgent desire to do something, and a deep frustration at my limitations. That trip was definitely more for my benefit than the benefit of anyone in Nigeria. It certainly got me reading... I've researched sex trafficking, been shocked by its thriving existence all over the world, read books on the subject (I highly recommend 'Terrify No More' by Gary Haugen), prayed for the young girls and young women who are forced either physically or out of necessity to sell their bodies. The horror of this business... the darkness... the evil... cannot be fathomed by my limited mind. But I want to know. I've read about blank looks on the faces of 5-year-olds as undercover investigators are offered their services for a small fee. HOW CAN THIS BE?!?!? The idea haunts me. It keeps me awake at night. It makes me cry, but not enough. This is the kind of evil that must not make us simply pause and comment that it is a shame. This is the kind of evil that must make us stop in our tracks, evaluate the present course of our lives, and ask God if there is a cause greater than our own success and comfort that He would have us live and fight for. There must be hope for the poor. There must be hope for the orphan, the slave, the widow, the sex worker. There IS hope. Jesus brought hope, and said that if we believe in Him we must follow His example. "Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father." John 14:12
My friend, Andrew Ulasich, is currently living among the poor in Kathmandu, Nepal. I highly recommend his blog, http://www.andrewulasich.blogspot.com/
His writing is raw and real. Please pray for him.

WHAT IS THAT?!?!?

2008-06-07T18:53:00.005-05:00

Look closely at my Sarah-ki's left hand. Is that... could it be... maybe... YES!!!! This woman who I have shared incomparable amounts of time with... we have had our fingers up each other's noses (long story), shared wardrobes, slept side by side on a single mattress under a mosquito net, chased bugs with frying pans, laughed, cried, and everything in between. There are times when I think we share the same heart beat. And now, I have to give her to another!! Fortunately, Justin is amazing. He even took me ring shopping with him!!! Smart man. September 13th is the big day! I can't write too much about this one... it's such a strange mix of unbelievable joy and deep pain at needing to let Sarah take this next step without me. I can't experience this with her and that, for me, is hard. But I rejoice at this blessing from God! I have been praying for Sarah's future husband for a very long time, and am glad that he is (finally) here:).

Beautiful Words...

2008-05-22T00:15:00.002-05:00

My beloved speaks and says to me: "Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away, for behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree ripens its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance. Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away..."
Song of Solomon 2:10-13

DONE!!!

2008-05-19T16:51:00.008-05:00

Amanda and I had SO MUCH FUN!!!! We crossed the finish at 4 hours 28 minutes. I have to say that we definitely had the two BEST fans possible. Emma and Tiffany found us on the course FIFTEEN times!!! Such a feat is practically unheard of. We felt very special.

An Impulsive 26.2

2008-05-16T14:12:00.002-05:00

I decided about 8 days ago to run the Fargo marathon, after a 1 1/2 month break in training. My knee just wasn't healing enough to press on, so I had to give up Boston qualifying aspirations (for now) and be satisfied with watching this one from the sidelines. Ouch. Well, after a long rest period using biking and swimming in cross-training efforts, I ran a mile. Surprise... I felt nothing! So the next day I ran a bit longer. Again, nothing. At this point I was thinking... I'm already registered for the marathon, why not go for it? I don't pretend to think that I will run it very fast, but crossing the finish line would be a great treat. In addition, I'm going to be running with my friend Amanda from work. She also is having left knee issues so we'll be good encouragement to each other, and will have a blast I am sure. However, as I studied the map this afternoon I've been thinking... wow. It's really far. Especially considering the fact that the last long run I did was 2 months ago, and even then I only went 16 miles. But my theory is that marathons are almost entirely mental. We'll see how it goes. I'm definitely willing to drop out if my knee starts acting up again, because I am already registered for Chicago in October. I am thankful for the opportunity to at least try tomorrow!!

Conversation with the Giuas

2008-05-08T11:04:00.003-05:00

I spoke with Carlos and Pascua on the phone this morning and got an update on what has been happening lately in Mozambique. With a new baby girl in the house (Jessica) Carlos is excited to have almost a full soccer team:). In addition to their 3 daughters, Carlos and Pascua also have living with them Dominga, who is in grade 5 and the same age as Nysha. Carlos proudly announced that Dominga is doing very well in school, and is first in her class! Dominga's mother is very ill, and he asked for prayer for her healing. Their hope is that Maria will get well enough so that she can live very close to Carlos and Pascua so Dominga can go back to living with her and remain in the community. Carlos also asked for prayer for a friend of Pascua's who recently found out that she is HIV+ and is very suicidal. Pascua also has family members who are sick and need prayer.

As always, it was great to hear their voices and to just be blessed by my Mozy family. They are eagerly anticipating Dara and Laura coming on Sunday, and are also excited about a new round of chickens in the coop at Rubatano. They are 5 days old now and I am sure very cute. It's really too bad about their tragic end.

I wish you all could hear one of Carlos' stories... especially the time when "the tank was full" (translation: he needed to use the bathroom) and he ended up getting chased by and needed to confront a VERY scary dog. There is nothing more hilarious. He also asked in all seriousness if I had a word from the Lord that the man for me would come from the USA, or the UK, or Africa, or somewhere else. I told him I didn't have any clue, but was amazed to know that a man so burdened with the needs of so many others would care about something so insignificant in comparison. The topic made me chuckle, but I definitely felt loved. Something Carlos didn't say but that I took from the conversation was that he is tired. I could hear his voice thick with exhaustion, even amidst the periods of giggling and other periods of serious prayer requests. Though he very rarely asks for it, HE needs our prayer.

Update Letter

2008-05-07T19:45:00.001-05:00

Hello my friends!

It has been nine months since Sarah and I got home and nearly that long since you received anything in the way of updates from me. This has probably been a relief to the email inboxes of many of you, while others may be wondering where in the world I went. I've been around, but for once in my life had very little to say. Now, coming to the other side of what I think of as a "desert" season in my life, what I have learned through immense struggle can be summarized in a few verses from the pen of Paul.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus might also be revealed in our body. 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

You may remember that when I first got home I was hoping to be back in Africa within a few months, but God seemed to say no to that desire and asked me to stay. And even though I knew He was right, I was still angry with Him. I felt betrayed somehow... as if God had played a cruel joke on me, leading to a place and breaking my heart for it, then calling me out and keeping me there. This wasn't the only issue. I also felt deep guilt over some choices I had made and thought of myself as a failure and disappointment to God. Satan jumped on all these things and began doing his utmost to break me down... throwing in my face everything he possibly could and making me feel worthless... a failure... crushed by guilt. However, I could not let on that I struggled. There was my foolish pride to contend with... I am supposed to have it all together, right?

I had gotten my own apartment in Fargo and started a job in the NICU at Meritcare. Right away I knew that's where I needed to be because I was learning SO much, but I still didn't like it. Yet even though I was angry with the Lord and my heart was broken in more places than I knew existed, He was still working... guiding... speaking... loud enough so that I would HEAR Him. I can be incredibly impatient and have the consistent yearning to back back overseas right now... yesterday in fact:). However, my time in the NICU has shown me how much there is to learn, and how valuable experience and education could be in the future in a third world country. He began to give me a desire to go back to school to get a Masters in Nurse Midwifery, and I started actively searching for schools. It has been a 3-month long process and quite a roller coaster ride of options, but I believe I'm on a course now that is actually going to happen and is the right one. Though not set in stone, the current plan is to enlist in the Air Force as a nurse beginning either in August or in October. There are many reasons for the Air Force (and I'm sure many more which I cannot see now...), one of which is the fact that they pay for a huge chunk of graduate school. I will most likely be stationed in San Antonio and work in the NICU there. In January I will begin studying through an online program and after 3 years will be finished with my Air Force contract and have the degree I long for. I have made it sound very simple in these few sentences, but in reality I am quite terrified about the whole thing. But I know it's right. Somehow it's precisely because of the fear that I know it's right.

A few weeks ago I was talking to good friends Nick and Troy... telling them how much I miss my best friend. They prayed for me and said "Ginna, go after Him." I've been going after Him... giving Him my frustrations and my fears, my doubts and my failures. Giving Him the broken jar of clay that is me and trusting that He will fill me again with the treasure that is Him. I feel like I'm coming out of the desert... not understanding my Lord ANY more than when I went it (in fact, filled with tons more questions than I've ever had before) but loving Him... OH, loving Him and experiencing His love in a completely new and wonderful way. You know what I think is strange? We all try so hard to avoid pain because it is, to state the obvious, so painful. But really it is only through pain and struggle that we grow. And I need to add that in the midst of this spiritual struggle I've experienced in a new way how beautiful that body of Christ really is. Through many highs and even more very low lows I've been loved by everyone around me so deeply and purely it has often made me cry. Thank you. I can't say that enough.

So if you wonder if the year in Mozambique was just a one time thing my answer is... I HOPE NOT!!! I want to devote my entire life to working in the poorest parts of the world. Maybe Africa... maybe somewhere else... Asia? The Middle East? I'll go anywhere. The coming three years will be further preparation, and I'm excited about this new season!

Please keep praying for Mozambique. Pray for Carlos and Pascua, their 3 girls, Rubatano Home Based Care, all of the patients and volunteers, the baby clinic and the mission. Two of Sarah's friends are nurses who are beginning the Footprints program. They are being trained in South Africa right now and will be going to Mozambique this Sunday, living in our house and driving our faithful Toyota. I'm THRILLED. More than a little bit jealous, but thrilled all the same:).

A few friends and I are going to be running the Chicago marathon for World Vision again this year! I'm excited to once again have the amazing opportunity to raise funds for children in Africa.

If you want to check in on me from time to time I do update my blog quite regularly... www.ginnahelen.blogspot.com

God bless you,
Ginna

P.S. Please pray with me, fervently, for the people of Myanmar.

Myanmar Cyclone

2008-05-07T16:45:00.004-05:00

Please be praying for the people of Myanmar. Estimates have soared to over 100,000 deaths... an unfathomable number. At this moment relief teams wait in Bangkok and elsewhere for visas to be able to enter the country. It's taking much too long. For what it's worth, I'd like to be among them and am spending the afternoon researching relief organizations who are sending (or who will be sending) medical personnel.

A Thousand Splendid Suns

2008-04-28T08:17:00.013-05:00

I was up all night reading this book by Khaled Hosseini, and finally lingered on the final sentences near sunrise. The two main characters, Mariam and Laila, are women in Afghanistan and the story weaves its way from the late 60s all the way to present day. For some it may be difficult to imagine that the atrocities found within its pages actually occur. Though relatively speaking I have seen very little of the world, I have seen enough to know that they do. The book is riddled with realities of war, death, child brides, abuse, starvation, oppression and even execution, but enduring themes are ones of hope, friendship, and love. I connected deeply with these women in their longing to live on, though living at times seemed unbearable. I felt a strange and persistent desire to enter into their world and share the heaviness of their load. I found myself asking God to take me to women like these and felt a renewed excitement for becoming a midwife. After closing the book I sat and watched the moon, a half moon today, slowly fade. Then darkness began to break into color, and day arrived. Still unable to sleep I lit candles and turned on my favorite sermon, one given by Donald Miller last fall titled 'Story'. I listened to it while washing dishes and folding clothes and asked God again to take my smallness and do something that brings Him great glory. I stopped cleaning and stared for a while out my bedroom curtains at the sunshine... thought with excitement about Josh and Rachel coming home today from their honeymoon... beginning life together. I wondered if they feel a sense of stability, knowing that they have each other. Wandering outside, I tried to choke down the fear of what is ahead and unknown... fears of failure, inadequacy, and perpetual loneliness. I tried to let all of the dreams that stir within me to live crazy and really trust God and really follow Him cover over the genuine terror I feel that makes me want to ask God to use someone else. But then I think that this one story is all I have and I want it to count for something. Often I feel in a very matter-of-fact way that I will die for my faith in Jesus and I think, God, prepare me for whatever is YOUR will. This was so much more than just a book to me. Graphic in every detail, it was a beckoning to follow God with reckless abandon. He can take me places I would never have dreamed, and that reminder is well worth a sleepless night.

April Snow Days

2008-04-28T02:03:00.009-05:00

I got home from work on Saturday morning to see our house covered with snow!!! It was our third blizzard in April and we are expecting more in May. Haha, TIND (this is North Dakota...). I don't mind. It looks so pretty!!

Isaac turned 6 on Sunday! He is getting to be so incredibly grown up. But not too grown up for a bowling party and monster truck cake!!! I love this little man. Happy birthday bud!!!

Team World Vision!!!!

2008-04-24T10:13:00.000-05:00

Life Change

2008-04-21T14:32:00.004-05:00

I played in the rain this morning. Though it did bother me a little bit that cars were driving by and probably thinking I was crazy, the first rain of spring just needs to be enjoyed! Everything is turning green and little friends are starting to emerge, which is something we encourage. Rachel and I had left two garbage bags on the front porch of the house two days ago to be taken to the dumpster when the craziness of wedding festivities passed. Yesterday when I thought to take them a squirrel scampered away from one of them. He had smelled nuts, apparently, and had made a tiny hold and discovered a small bag of trail mix. He was neatly removing the nuts from the bag so I decided to leave everything alone for a while longer. Today I went back to see that all of the nuts and the chocolate (a squirrel after my own heart) were gone but the Craisins were left behind. Obviously the little guy isn't a fruit eater. I love spring!!!

For lunch I met with Nicole, an Air Force recruiter, and it was awesome! This is one of the "developments" I've mentioned in previous blog posts. I'm enlisting! You may be wondering why. I desperately want to go back to grad school for nurse midwife and nurse practitioner licenses. However, the online program I'm looking at is quite expensive. While praying one day about how I would pay for this, I got a call from Nicole. I've talked with her before about Air Force nursing, but what sold me this time was that they pay for well over half of the cost of graduate school! And nurses only need to enlist for 3 years... which is as long as it will take me to get two degrees anyway. To top it off, I will most likely be stationed in San Antonio, where there is a very large NICU and flight nursing team. San Antonio is where my sister-in-law's family lives, and I LOVE them all. There are whole lists of other wonderful parts about being in the Air Force, and getting all of my questions answered today just further confirmed that this is from God and the right path. Though it is sad to think that it will be at least three years before I will even be able to think about going back overseas for longer than 2 or 3 weeks at a time, at the end of this three years I will be much more prepared to work independently in a third world country. Until then, I will live vicariously through and pray for all of the people I know who are serving God so beautifully in the places where I wish I could be. Basic training will start for me in January. It won't be as intense as civilian basic, since I will go in as an officer. Honestly though, I hope it is somewhat intense because I think it will be fun. How cool is it to get paid to run?!? Maybe there will be a little more to it then that, but I'm pumped.

Josh and Rachel Keller!!!

2008-04-21T01:48:00.031-05:00

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

More pics from Josh and Rachel's big day at www.picasaweb.google.com/ginnahelen

The song in my heart....

2008-04-21T01:35:00.005-05:00

"Who Am I" -Watermark

Over time You've healed so much in me and I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come
Your light could still shine through
Though at times it's just enough to cast a shadow on the wall
Oh I am grateful that You shine Your light on me at all

Who am I, that You would love me so gently
Who am I, that You would recognize my name
Who am I, that You would speak to me so softly?
Conversation with a LOVE Most High... Who am I???

Oh amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found was blind but now I see
And the more I sing that sweet old song the more I understand
That I do not comprehend this love that's coming from Your hand

Who am I, that You would love me so gently
Who am I, that You would recognize my name
Who am I, that You would speak to me so softly?
Conversation with a love Most High... Who am I???

Wanted: Water Wings!

2008-04-14T21:22:00.002-05:00

Life is just so embarrassing sometimes. Since my knee is being ridiculous and I can't really run, last Wednesday I decided to try swimming. There were two others doing laps in the NDSU pool when I arrived. I had gotten myself a pair of goggles because I figured all swimmers need goggles to be taken seriously. What I didn't realize is that you also need to know how to SWIM to be taken seriously. I would watch the other two doing their laps and I promise you, they never seemed to come up for air! So I tried to follow their example but just got ridiculously out of breath. My lungs were burning! So I tried to do laps with my head above water, but just felt like I was doing a whole lot of splashing and not getting very far very fast. Having a lifeguard there was bittersweet... she made me feel secure in case I would suddenly just give out and go straight to the bottom of the pool. However, I also felt like she was snickering under her breath at my delinquency. Sheesh. I've been practicing, and I think I'm getting better. But don't expect me to be entering any races any time soon.

Holy the Firm, Annie Dillard

2008-04-12T06:54:00.004-05:00

"I know only enough of God to want to worship him..." -Holy the Firm (p. 55)

Though I have read many things about Annie Dillard and read many snippets from her various works, this is the first of her books that I have read from cover to cover. In short it was a challenge, but a challenge that I absolutely loved! Dillard writes about the world in a way that connects the dots of life and time, from our most obscure thoughts to our humorous daily routines to our most painful realities. In the opening chapter we find a sensational description of a spider who has taken up residence in Dillard's bathroom, and of her familiarity with owls and moths. With chapter 2 comes chaos, when little Julie Norwich is burned badly in a plane crash. Dillard expresses well the deep emotion of such an experience, and puts words to the questions about God and suffering that all of us ask from time to time. In an ironic and humorous change of subject she speaks of attending church, and of her inner turmoil at being the one on a mission to buy the communion wine.

"How can I buy the communion wine? Who am I to buy the communion wine? Someone has to buy the communion wine. Having wine instead of grape juice was my idea, and of course I offered to buy it. Shouldn't I be wearing robes and, especially, a mask? Shouldn't I make the communion wine? Are there holy grapes, is there holy ground, is anything here holy? There are no holy grapes, there is no holy ground, nor is there anyone but us." (p. 63)

This fact that there is "no one but us" is the theme of the third and final chapter. With dramatic emphasis she refutes over and over our false idea that there is someone more worthy to act, someone more Godly, someone more simple and thus, more able. But there is no one but us. Dillard challenges the notion that we are "ordinary" people by painting a beautiful picture.

"Christ is being baptized. The one who is Christ is there, and the one who is John, and the dim other people standing on cobbles or sitting on beach logs back from the bay. These are ordinary people - if I am one now, if those are ordinary sheep singing a song in the pasture." (p. 66)

To read this book seemed like an intimate peek into the realities of humanities' soul, and the endless mysteries that can be found there. I just might have cried at the end, when Dillard imagines Julie Norwich with her badly burned face as a nun and implores her, "Look how he loves you!" (p. 74). A single woman herself, Dillard wishes this very special romance with God for little Julie.

"Be victim to abruptness and seizures, events intercalated, swellings of heart. You'll climb trees. You won't be able to sleep, or need to, for the joy of it. Mornings, when light spreads over the pastures like wings, and fans a secret color into everything, and beats the trees senseless with beauty, so that you can't tell whether the beauty is in the trees - dazzling in cells like yello sparks or green flashing waters - or on them - transfiguring silver air charged with the wings' invisible motion; mornings, you won't be able to walk for the power of it: earth's too round... Then you kneel, clattering with thoughts, ill, or some days erupting, some days holding the altar rail, gripping the brass-bolt altar rail, so you won't fly." (p. 75)

Teeth (Part 2)

2008-04-10T06:21:00.006-05:00

I decided to get a second opinion about my cavity situation. Thirteen just seemed a bit fishy, and ridiculous. So a friend got me in to see his dentist friend. The news was fantastic! He took new xrays and showed me in detail what he was looking at. Three cavities, that's it!! He smiled and said, "You've been praying about this, haven't you." Nearly in tears, I nodded emphatically and wondered if it was a faux pas to hug the dentist. It would seem that contrary to what I used to think, all dentist's are NOT created equal. I'm grateful to that God cares even about little things! Oh, and the picture is NOT my teeth... but the bright red lipstick probably gave that away.

A Flower Blooms...

2008-04-03T15:46:00.004-05:00

Spring is here. The sign on the corner flashed 53 degrees in digital red letters, but I already knew. The city had come alive! Down every street in nearly every house, people emerged from their long hibernation. It was the kind of day that makes a person long to just sit barefoot on the front porch with lemonade and a good book. It was the kind of day that begged to be savored. It was the kind of day that seems to say ever so gently, "Everything is going to be just fine."

Last night I was reading from Mother Teresa's 'Come Be My Light'. In the opening pages there is a quote that resonated deep in my soul. She writes in a letter:

"Now Father-since 49 or 50 this terrible sense of loss-this untold darkness-this loneliness this continual longing for God-which gives me that pain deep down in my heart-Darkness is such that I really do not see-neither with my mind nor with my reason-the place of God in my soul is blank-There is no God in me-when pain of longing is so great-I just long & long for God-and then it is that I feel-He does not want me-He is not there-...God does not want me-Sometimes-I just hear my own heart cry out-"My God" and nothing else comes-The torture and pain I can't explain-" (pg.2)

I cannot imagine the years of utter darkness Mother Teresa felt, as she struggled with wondering why she know longer experienced God's presence. Then coming to the realization that she was living out a taste of the Passion of Christ, in order that she might gain more of His heart. This floors me, as I struggle through the process of emerging from months of my own darkness. Though whether mine has been due to the will of God or due to my own rebellion and frustration towards Him I do not know. Either way, I do feel that this struggle is all a part of purification. And if I can become more like Jesus in the process of feeling deep pain, then I do not wish for it to go away. There are still days of darkness... days where I feel that I just can't go on. But there are more days in which I feel hope. And every day I know that I need God. I need God. I ever so desperately need God.

Life for me at the moment is horrendously "normal". I work, I spend time with friends, I go to church, I watch reality shows on cable. I long for more, but feel stuck. Patience is not my strong suit. I tell my parents that for crying out loud, I'M BORED! They understand. I have my dad to thank for these adventure genes. My desire for the nations has not changed, and only grows stronger. Opportunities abound, but what is right? I need direction, and I think it's coming. Today I have spent most of the day just praying, and feel a wonderful peace that has evaded me for quite some time now. However God leads, I know it will be good. More on that soon...

GRIN

2008-03-18T22:21:00.020-05:00

WOW WOW WOW. If I could only find words for the last 48 hours! I was supposed to be working last Sunday night (my 24th birthday), but an extra nurse was scheduled that night so I got it off. My pal Emma was home from Omaha for spring break and I could not wait to see her. Two months is TOO LONG!!! We quickly made plans along with Rachel and Sarah E. to go out on the town. How much free stuff could we get out of Fargo in one evening? That was the question. We met up at Mexican Village to start things off and I couldn't have been more excited... or so I thought. Em gave me one of her ALWAYS perfect gifts. This year it was a mini Ireland flag (for our St. Patty's day celebration the next day), a hilarious hat (also for our celebration the next day), a beautiful book of portraits from around the world, and a bottle of wine from Stellenbosch, South Africa! As soon as I finished opening Em said, "Ok, I can't take it anymore. I have something to tell you!" I screamed... yes, screamed. Everyone stopped and stared as we hugged. MARRIED?!?!? YAAAAAAAY!!! It was a completely unexpected proposal for her, so naturally it was a complete surprise (but a fantastic one) for me!! Emma has been my friend basically since birth. She is not the "settle down" type, but Jay has captured her heart completely and it's amazing to see her wanting to be with him more than anything else. I was overcome with the beauty of it! Being a girly girl I always get excited about engagements. But this one... well, nothing else compares. A man for my girl! THE man for my girl. It seems as though everyone gets married, but an incredibly blessed few marry the one who truly draws the very best out of them. Em does that for Jay, and Jay does that for Em! There couldn't have been a better birthday surprise. We enjoyed precious hours of delighting in the greatness of God together.

The rest of our evening consisted of free meals, drinks, desserts, and even a birthday song from the guy in the Taco Johns drive-through. We laughed harder than should be allowed. When the clock struck midnight and as a result my ID no longer did any good, we headed home. Four hours later Em and I finally drifted off to sleep. I woke up the next morning feeling blissfully happy. It actually felt strange! For months I have been in an awful funk... having good times but still waking up feeling... sad. Lacking joy and needing to actively ask God to help me choose it every day, regardless of feeling. I used to wake up smiling and have the keenest awareness that God was right there with me. I felt that yesterday again and it hasn't gone away. Thank you Jesus! Something has happened in my heart. I once again have the urge to dance around my apartment and run around outside looking for prospects of spring flowers. It may seem silly, but it's huge.

Yesterday consisted of wedding dress shopping (August wedding!) for Em and a final dress fitting for Rachel (April 19th)! The lady at David's Bridal kept saying "Congratulations" to both of them... to which I would pipe in "thank you":). Yes, I am the best friend of the brideS (plural). Last night we dressed up in green and brought Jay and Cassie with us to wave our Irish flags and find some green beer. We were successful! Fargo knows how to celebrate St. Patrick's day. No pinches for us! Rachel opted to stay home and show her holiday spirit by painting her living room... what else... GREEN:)!!

Today was filled with sunshine, a gorgeous run (my knee is a million times better!), and dinner out with my family and, of course, Emma and Jay. Birthday cake at my apartment rounded things out, not to mention gifts... FOUR books!!! They know me too well.

One more exciting thing to mention... my beautiful and ridiculously fun friend Megan is coming to visit next weekend. We met in South Africa last February, had a chance to be roommates for a month in May-June, and have loved being able to talk on the phone ever since her return from Zambia a couple of weeks ago. Meggy's, I CAN'T WAIT to see you:).

Teeth (Part 1)

2008-03-14T08:02:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I could be found at the dentist for what was a long overdue cleaning and exam. It wasn't that I haven't thought about going earlier, it's just that after getting home I had to wait until I had insurance, then had to find a dentist, then wait for an appointment. Even though it had been nearly two years since I had been seen, there was not a nervous thought in my mind. I fully expected the visit to go just as every visit to the dentist has gone. I sit in the chair, everyone tells me what beautiful teeth I have, and I smile and say, "why thank you!" As the hygienist was doing her horrid business of scraping my teeth with that awful pick, she commented that there was very little plaque built up considering how long it had been between cleanings. Fantastic. Then the dentist came in and I waited for the good news. I was shocked to instead hear the words, "you have cavities." Groan. I couldn't believe it! But wait, because it gets worse. She proceeded to tell me that my mouth was full of tiny cavities between my teeth. Not one or two... or even five or ten! No, I have a grand total of thirteen cavities. A full baker's dozen!! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but quickly headed towards the latter when I thought of how much this was going to cost. Fortunately, insurance will cover half but it's still quite the ouch. The well-meaning hygienist reassured me that they do, in fact, offer a payment plan. Oh terrific, that's just what I need... a monthly payment on my teeth.

All day I have been analyzing this news and trying to pinpoint the culprit. Granted, I don't floss very often, but I never have flossed and never had trouble!! Sarah flosses religiously and is always telling me I really should too. I smugly reply that it isn't necessary. Oops. It looks like Sarah was right again! Phooey. Note to self... must start flossing. Could my beloved toothpaste have anything to do with it? I love Crest Cinnamon Rush SO much that I brought enough tubes with me overseas to last the entire year. I have been brushing with it for about 2 ½ years total... it could be a coincidence. But soon the bearer of bad news was prescribing even more bad news... prescription fluoride toothpaste. Gross! Giving up my toothpaste makes me sad, but I'm determined to do whatever it takes to never get a cavity again. How hard can it be to floss once a day? And if no more soda means healthier teeth, then dang-it I'll quit drinking soda. I guess all of us non-flossing soda drinkers just need to "stick to our guns"... or, stick to our GUMS!! Just a little dental humor there for you.

Anyway, I'm grossed out. This situation might call for the writing of a bluesy country song. I could call it "Go Away Tooth Decay", or something nifty like that. Anyone have ideas for a tune? Thirteen cavities. Good grief.

For Love of Mozy...

2008-03-12T22:10:00.003-05:00

I was down at the farm this past weekend, and while scanning some of my sister's more recent pictures stumbled across her Africa pictures. They were fantastic! It was awesome to be able to go through them and feel each moment again. Feel Mozy... feel home. If you want to see them, click on the "My Snappies" link at left.

Sarah came over for dinner tonight. I sent her a text message to tell her the food was ready and she laughed at me, saying it was just like when we were in Mozambique. When I didn't know what to do, I would cook something. When she didn't know what to do she would clean something:). Quite the pair!!! I treasure our times together immensely and am beyond thankful that we live in the same city and can see each other often. We are both itching to visit Mozambique and are planning a trip in November or early December. Please pray that it happens! I get choked up just thinking about how good it would be.

Two of Sarah's friends are currently in South Africa, going through the same Footprints program that we went through. The two nurses will go on to Mozambique after their training. They will live in our house, and drive our car. How exciting!!! Please be praying for these girls as well. God is sending them to a very precious place and people.

R.I.C.E

2008-03-06T16:43:00.006-06:00

Horror of horrors, I injured my left knee. Online research has brought me to the conclusion that it is either Ileotibial band syndrome, or Patellofemoral pain syndrome. I'm tending to lean towards the latter (often referred to as "runners knee") and it's not great news. I'm finding that it is quite common among distance runners, and as the name implies, it hurts like heck! At this point I am wishing I could go back in time to Tuesday afternoon when I made the genius decision to try to just run through the small amount of discomfort I was feeling from the day before. Five miles later my leg just wouldn't allow me to take another step and I had to pathetically limp home. So now I am actively "RICE-ing", a useful acronym which stands for rest, ice, compression, elevate.

With only 10 weeks until the Fargo marathon, I'm trying to remain calm. It's funny how this running thing has become such a regular and beloved part of my life. But I am not too worried (there are still 10 weeks after all!) and the extra time off the road and on the couch has afforded very sweet times with the Lord. The next few months of my life are still quite a mystery, so although I would love to know what God is up to, it's comforting to just rest in Him and be happy in the thought that I just want to be... where He is. I need to be reminded often that more of my effort needs to be spent on who I am BECOMING than what I am DOING. This is difficult for me. But I am looking forward to more time with the knee up, iced and compressed to think on and pray for these things. I was further challenged just now by this quote:

"The art of praying, as we grow, is really the art of learning to waste time gracefully—to be simply the clay in the hands of the potter. This may sound easy—too easy to be true—but it is really the most difficult thing we ever learn to do.... This is the real reason why so few of us ever come, in this life, to the full experience of God’s love for us."
- Thomas H. Green
When the Well Runs Dry

As I sit in my favorite, slightly eccentric coffee shop downtown I suddenly feel delight at being alive. Cold outside or not I pulled out my favorite red and white polka-dot dress to wear today just because it is cheerful. Jack Johnson's "Better Together" is playing in the background and makes me laugh as I think of all the times my best pal, Emma, and I have sang it to each other... snapping our fingers as we did so. Ah, the little things:).

Patience

2008-03-02T17:56:00.002-06:00

In the western world we live by our watch. It orders us around and determines when we are under stress and when we can relax for a moment. But precious time demands too much of us to let those moments come very often. This consumption with time naturally results in a dramatic loss of love and relationship. All too often we don't even see needs around us in our hurry to get wherever it is we need to go next. If I'm meeting with a friend for coffee, I have ONE hour. No more. I have been noticing and shuddering at my slavery to the clock lately, and was prodded again when I spent time this afternoon in Henri Nouwen's "Compassion" (one of my favorite books). Nouwen talks about patience being the discipline of compassion. He discusses impatience as being an obsession for us to get out of the current moment and on to the next. I can relate, especially when it hits 5am after a long night of work, or I'm stuck in traffic, or in the middle of a dry sermon. God has placed me in that situation for a purpose. Why? I want to find out, and start celebrating and watching for Him instead of walking in impatience.

"But when patience prevents us from running from the painful moment in the false hope of finding our treasure elsewhere, we can slowly begin to see that the fullness of time is already here and that salvation is already taking place. Then, too, we can discover that in and through Christ all human events can become divine events in which we discover the compassionate presence of God." (pg. 98)

Nouwen also calls us to remember the moments either alone or with loved ones when time seemed to stand still. When it just didn't matter. When everything in the world seemed right because we realized that God is above time and place. I can remember a small handful of these moments very clearly. One was in Mozambique when I was out watching the sun come up (a fairly regular occurrence) and listening to the voices of birds on a beautiful, deserted path. I am quite sure it was the happiest moment of my life. Despite turmoil on every side, I felt peace and everything seemed right in the world. I want to experience more of those moments, and know that I need to be willing to give up my obsession with scheduling and embrace God's perfect timing. I want Him to show me things that I would miss otherwise, and to spend more time loving others.

As much as we hate to admit it or pray for it, God demands patience of us. Little by little we must learn that patience is not a form of discipline to be abhorred, but a beautiful attribute of God that He wants to develop in us, for His glory.

FM Curling Club

2008-02-29T09:19:00.011-06:00

Last week a group of us embarked on a new adventure... curling! Though none of us had participated in this delightful sport before, we were all hooked within minutes. The girls got off to an early start, but the guys made a dramatic comeback and beat us in the end. It's probably good that they did, since we were beginning to gloat. I can't wait to go again. New motto? "I'd rather be curling". :)

I Saw God Today

2008-02-25T20:38:00.005-06:00

The radio in my car is frequently tuned to a local country station, where this afternoon I heard George Strait exclaiming that he saw God today. He sings about being in the hospital with his wife as she delivers their baby. He goes outside for a while and sees a flower bravely poking its head through a crack in the sidewalk. He goes on to ponder that while he "goes to church and reads the Book"... he knows that God is present but isn't actively watching for Him. I am that way sometimes. Miraculous, tiny lives consume my days. It's "work", yet so far from it... God is there and showing Himself, yet I don't take time to marvel and praise Him often enough. A few days ago I planted some herbs in five little pots and placed them on my windowsill. I have been eagerly watering them and hoping that they will grow. How does that happen? God creates such amazing stuff!! My idea of "creation" is putting a lasagna together and being happy about how delicious it is:). So with a little encouragement from Mr. Strait, tomorrow I am going to actively LOOK for God. Who would ever have expected to be challenged by tuning in Froggy 99.9?!

The Way of Jesus

2008-02-24T20:22:00.002-06:00

I am fully engrossed with this year's election. Why? Perhaps it is because the race is close and the candidates intriguing. Or perhaps it is because this is the first election in which I have thought more deeply about why I should vote this way or that. By glancing at where I live and go to church one could easily assume that I fall into the category of conservative evangelical voter. There are basically two issues which stereotypically concern such voters, but things are changing and I welcome the change. I no longer want to vote immediately for the "obvious" candidate without prayerfully considering which candidate walks most closely in line with the way of Jesus. As Americans and believers in Christ it is often difficult to tell which is a higher priority in our lives. Are we first followers of Christ? Often I think we claim that because it sounds better, but the reality is that our status as "Americans" is truly on top of the list.

If we want to follow Christ first, we must look at the things HE valued and the issues with which HE was concerned. If we look in the Bible we see that poverty and oppression of the weak tops the list. What are we doing to combat these things? Do we care about orphans? Do we care about the sick and the widow? We must. Even if the country in which we reside cares little, WE must care. Jesus also cared about peace. Certainly in the Scriptures we find God destroying nations that didn't fear Him. But can we take it upon ourselves to decide who those nations are and what we want to do to them. Can America safely play God and get away with it?

This morning while getting ready for work I had CNN Sunday morning on in the background. I was delighted to see the face of Brian Maclaren bringing a fresh (and I felt, quite accurate) perspective to the "Faith and Politics" section. The anchor was more than a little surprised to hear Maclaren's view on what issues matter most in this election to the evangelical community. I was very exciting to see. Maclaren, along with Jim Wallis, Sojourners, and several good friends have been influential in encouraging me to really think about my political views. My head hurts from thinking too much, but it feels amazing.

I have yet to decide how I will vote in November. There is so much more I want to learn about the candidates! However, I do know with full confidence that there is NO candidate who can fix everything. If we are placing our hope in any man or woman, we will only be sorely disappointed time and time again. Our hope is in Christ! So while I very much enjoy the debates and varied viewpoints surrounding this election I find great joy in knowing that... The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it." Psalm 24:1

Never Forgets...

2008-02-17T23:53:00.002-06:00

Isn't it interesting how in a simple moment that is often not distinguishable even in hindsight, something happens and life changes forever? The more I stop to think about it the more it is clear that life is full of these moments. I'm not sure I like that! Yet another big one came for me a few weeks ago with a simple phone call. Suddenly I find myself applying for grad school, considering a move to the opposite end of the country where I am aquainted with absolutely no one, and shifting my gaze to a very unfamiliar part of the world. Just when I started getting comfortable, God had other ideas. Often the 'new things' on the horizon fill me with excitement, almost always I start getting weary when trying to work out the details (which I could never do to perfection anyway... God seems to make it 'impossible' so that He can show me once again how amazing He is), but there are also regular bouts of fear and even anger which bring me back to a place where I find myself so many times. That place is wondering if God really knows what He is doing or if He has finally gone off the deep end this time... wondering why He asks such strange things of me and if I really have to say yes, all the while knowing that I WILL say yes because there is no other way. I want things that it seems I can't have... some sort of stability, familiarity (God, can I PLEASE just go back to Africa?), maybe even love. Time after time He leads me in another direction, deeply though I long to hold on to what I already love with passion. I want to say, "Lord I am weary. Go one without me, please." But He never forgets one He loves. Never.

No One Else Knows
Building 429

My world is closing in on the inside, but I'm not showing it
When all I am is crying out I hold it in and fake a smile still I'm broken, I'm broken
Only One can understand and only one can hold the hand of the broken, of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms...
Again

I need no explanation of "Why Me?"
I just need confirmation
When only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling, I'm falling
I'm falling down upon my knees to find the one that gives me peace
I am flying, I'm flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms...
Again

I have come to You in search of faith
'Cuz I can't see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I leave it in Your hands

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands...

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstreched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Oh You hold me in Your arms
I know that You hold me in Your arms...
Again

Matthew 8

2008-02-02T08:56:00.000-06:00

Stained, wounded, bitter and beaten, the man sat with head bowed and heart numb. There was no hope for him! No hope for healing, no hope of freedom, no chance to ever be clean. Life had no meaning. Why had he even been born? Hope came one day in the most unexpected form of a simple man. Simple, but recognized by the unclean one as the Lord. Did he dare approach the Messiah in his filth? There was no other way. Scarcely breathing he limped toward Jesus, suddenly unaware of the angry shouts and panicked gasps of those around him. Everyone fled, except Jesus, and He was the only one that mattered anyway. The leprous man thought about the long years through which he had lived in utter loneliness. Not since the priest had declared him "UNCLEAN" had anyone so much as looked him in the eye. He felt no longer a man but more like a ghost, walking through life as though nothing were actually real. But then, as faith in the man standing before with love in his piercing look led him to declare his trust, something happened. Jesus wasn't afraid to touch the ugly places which completely covered him. Jesus wasn't afraid to love someone fully unclean. Jesus touched the leper, and his stains were gone. His old identity... "LEPER", was gone. What other identity could he take but that of the One who had cared enough to reach out and touch the ugly and the forbidden? He wanted no other name but Christ's.

FINALLY, an update :)

2008-01-15T20:13:00.000-06:00

For those of you who check in on me from time to time and are wondering if I've disappeared... nope:)! Still here, and I've had an incredible month. The reason for my silence can be attributed to no internet access for the last several weeks. When I do get on it is mostly to peruse and reply to a few emails, and little more gets accomplished. I must say, no access to cyberspace has had it's perks!

My Christmas was fabulous, New Years spent at work with the babies that I love so much, and most of the past two weeks have involved work and more work. It's my life at the moment, and I'm delighted to have the confidence now that it isn't without a purpose. I've been sensing God speaking to my heart that this is my season to learn and learn and learn... to gain skills that He will use. He will bring me to the poor, of that I'm certain. When? I can't tell you that. But I'm confident that He will. So I've been trying to live simply, love well, and get to know more and more of this Abba who continually blows my mind. Really all there is to say besides that is I've also been doing quite a bit of reading, started a more intense training program for the Fargo marathon in May, and have been learning about (and enjoying!) hockey. Pretty exciting life:)! I'm content.

I am trying to post pictures from Christmas and a recent trip to the mountains, but this connection is not great. So photos will be coming... well... soon!

"You love Africa."

2007-12-15T14:28:00.001-06:00

After 8 days of being sick in bed, I finally made the long journey last night down my stairs to Rachel's apartment for some much needed fellowship:). As she is so faithful to do, Rach asked how I was doing. I am not good at answering this question in short format, so started once again on a drawn-out tangent of my current state of mind. She interrupted me to say, much too matter-of-factly, "G. You love Africa." The simplicity of her statement caught me off guard, but I had to admit that yes, I do. I also had to admit that I have been trying desperately to forget how much I love Africa, and embrace with all of my heart the culture in which I find myself. What is even more sad is the moderate success I have found at doing just that. Since it just seems too painful to "care" too much, it makes more sense to just stay busy going about life and forget about the things that used to break my heart and drive me to DO something.

This morning I watched "The Pursuit of Happyness", a movie (based on a true story) about a father who is trying desperately to catch a break and provide for his young son. I saw this movie in the theatre in March, while in South Africa for the Hands at Work International conference. After seeing it then, I was distressed for days. How could it be that there were honest people in the world sleeping in public restrooms while burning the candle at both ends, yet STILL unable to make it? How could it be that four rich people in a convertible could just drive by a line of hundreds of the homeless waiting in line for a free room, and not even blink in their direction? I was flabbergasted and broken by it. Today I watched that movie again. I found it sad, but had very little other emotion. Nothing to make me want to change my lifestyle or lose any sleep. It was a "shame". But, after all, things turned out alright in the end with no input from me.

So, maybe I have succeeded in my quest to be happier in my current situation and think less about painful things. But this is a success that shames me, and I want no more part in it. With tears in my eyes last night I admitted to Rachel what she knew already. I would give ANYTHING to be back on a plane to Mozambique. My original plan was to go back in January, but the Lord has made it clear that I am so stay here for now. And I know that He is able and WILL work this out for good. I'm excited to see what He does... and am hoping that someday that return will be a reality.

Merry Christmas, my friends! Amidst all of the hustle and bustle and trying to stay on top of all of the festivities in the "spirit of the season", lets try to spend time focused on the REAL reason we celebrate. And as we say "Peace on Earth", lets PRAY for just that, and look for ways we can help to bring it...

My Best Date Ever!!!

2007-11-29T23:42:00.000-06:00

Yes, you did read correctly. I did, in fact, go on a date... and it was, in fact, my best date ever. Yesterday afternoon after work I went for a run in what has quickly become the dead of winter in North Dakota. Well, I say a "run", but it probably resembled more of an eskimo waddle with all of the layers I needed to wear. When I got back to my house my dad was there to take me out! We went to dinner at my favorite restaurant, caught a movie, raced back to the car (my dad was a sprinter and can still beat me), went to a another restaurant for dessert and coffee, and then sat at my apartment talking late into the night like two long-time acquaintances truly discovering the other for the first time. I went to bed marveling at how crazy it is that people can live in the same house for years and still not really get to know the depths of the other. I've always been completely proud of my dad and known that he loves me more than words can say. But we have also always lived in two quite different worlds, and I'm thrilled that those worlds are colliding!! When sharing the story with a pal today, she said... "I wish my dad would do that! I can't even imagine such a thing." Needless to say, I've really been blessed. It'll be tough to beat that date!!!

Christmas is coming! The festivity in the air is easily caught, and I find it delightful. With the first big snowfall last Monday night I was decorating my Christmas tree and brainstorming best possible gifts for all of my loved ones. Then I took advantage of "Happy Hour" at Moxie Java. Coffee shop "Happy Hour" just rocks, because you can get the expensive, 16 oz. soy latte for $1.89 instead of $47.63 or whatever we are required to pay for two shots of espresso and steamed milk these days. Give me a break! Anyway, with coffee in hand and back behind the wheel I was free to sing along to "O Holy Night" at the top of my lungs... going for the high notes and caring little if I reached them or not. The beauty of singing in the car is that a person always sounds good there. Perhaps not as good everywhere else, but definitely good in the car. SING ON:)!!!

This living alone thing is becoming something that I really treasure, and I'm thankful that God knew I needed it. He is showing me again the beauty of silence, the wonder in little things in life, and the peace found in trusting Him and being content.

Tomorrow I am going to watch my sister play basketball and plan to be as obnoxious as possible. Then my brother, sister, and I are headed to Minneapolis to watch the Vikes take on the Bears this Sunday!!!! I can hardly wait...

Rodents

2007-11-25T00:45:00.001-06:00

Last Tuesday I was sitting in my dad's office and we were having an awesome conversation. It was my third awesome conversation of the day... coming on the heels of one with a good friend who I haven't talked to in quite some time, and lunch with my pastor. Anyway, I was busy pouring my little heart out to my beloved pop when I noticed there was a mouse sitting at our feet. To my great delight, I felt completely indifferent towards the mouse. Instead of screaming and jumping onto a chair like I would have done 2 years ago, I simply said, "Oh, there's a mouse." It was a triumphant moment in the life of this scaredy-cat:). Now if it had been a rat, that is an entirely different story. Don't even get me started on rats...

BBC News

2007-11-25T00:41:00.000-06:00

BBC News rocks my socks. I am often on their website, trying to keep up with what is going on in the world... clicking primarily on the "Africa" link. Tonight I found this great article about conjoined twins in Tanzania. It both blessed me and broke my heart. If you want to read it, here is the link.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/3956041.stm

Thankful

2007-11-21T19:57:00.000-06:00

Last December as Sarah and I, quite literally, BAKED in Mozambique I made a promise that I would never again complain about snow for as long as I live. It seemed like the obvious remark to make at the time, with sweat pouring off our skin and our faces pressed as close to the fans as possible without getting our noses caught in the blades. Back in North Dakota, today marked day #1 of flurries, and so far I am doing well with my promise:)! Ask me again in two weeks and I will probably have failed miserably, but today I loved the snow. In fact I am rather impatient for enough to fall so that I can build a snowman, have a snowball fight, and of course, go sledding. A new tobaggan may need to be purchased this winter, as my unstoppable, lightening-quick, inflatable, 3-person snow machine sustained a terminal punture wound at the end of winter 05-06. That sled was amazing.

With Thanksgiving just a few hours away I am faced with the happy obligation of thinking through the myriads of things for which I am grateful to God. He has blessed me with much... opportunities, relationships, health, family, toys, imagination... I could go on and on. The more I think on these things the more I feel like a brat for asking anything else of Him. "Yes, Lord, I am thankful for these things... but if you would just give me _______." This is often my attitude, and I wish that would change but I don't know how to completely change it while still being honest.

It is a simple thing to remember last Thanksgiving with fondness. Sarah and I made an extremely untraditional meal of chicken (we couldn't get turkey), potatoes, veggies, and apple cake for dessert (pumpkins didn't appear until April/May). Even without the traditional cuisine, last Thanksgiving was beyond memorable and loaded with thanks. We celebrated with our family, Carlos, Pascua, Nysha, and Tabitha Giua. The evening began as all evenings do in the Giua household, with fervent prayer and lots of laughter. I remember the smell of their home, the way their chairs felt, the coolness of the floor, the noises outside... everything. It's such a wonderfully real memory. Just as I missed my American family last year, this year I will miss my Mozambiquan family.

At this moment I am fighting the urge to start a list of things I am thankful for. After all, there is no way I could possibly do justice to such a list even if I were to type all night long. Hopefully if you know me well you can hear the things I do not say...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

New Treasure

2007-10-31T23:51:00.001-05:00

It amazes me that friends I have now who are incredibly dear are people that I didn't even know when I got home from Mozambique! God has really blessed me with treasure, and an awesome place to be involved in reaching out to the community. Here are some photos from a concert event tonight. Fun!!!

This is my sister-in-law, Sarah. She is the greatest!

With both of the Sarah's! Did you know that "Sarah" means "God's princess"?! Cool, huh.

Sam, Sarah, Justin, and I sporting our sweet t-shirts.

Lookin' good, Ross!

4 hours, 13 minutes, 24 seconds!!!

2007-10-31T23:50:00.001-05:00

The marathon is over, and it was beyond fantastic. I was able to finish faster than my goal pace and had a delightful time. Some of my favorite moments were the heavyset tuba player at mile 7, who was simultaneously playing the tambourine. Talent! Another was the harpist at mile 8, the 62 year old 11-time marathon runner who I came across halfway through the race (I want to be like that!), the beyond beautiful trees exploding with autumn color, and crossing the finish line. What a feeling! I was pumping my arms and leaping for joy as my feet crossed. To my delight, the announcer said, "YOU DO THAT ALL YOU WANT, GIRL!" Haha, I did. To make matters even better, I had my mom, my sister, and my best friend there to cheer me on. They found me eight times! I think that's pretty outstanding. I posted pictures at www.picasaweb.google.com/ginnahelen and will post some videos up there very soon.

Satisfied

2007-10-31T22:49:00.000-05:00

"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." Psalm 90:14

Most of you know that it has been a difficult 3 months for me, transitioning to life back at home. I never anticipated struggling so much, and have rarely had times in my life where I have felt really down. With that said, this deep agony has caught me by surprise. In 12 weeks I have had many periods of lows followed by short seasons of feeling like everything was going to be okay... only to find my heart breaking again. I've cried a lot, and asked God "WHY?" a lot. I've asked Him why He has put in my heart such a love for a place far away when He is not allowing me to go back. I end up letting my mind run races trying to discover what it was that captivated everything in me so completely. I wonder and worry about whether or not I could ever be as happy anywhere else doing anything else. But today I'm quite sure that I can and WILL be... since what God has is always above and beyond what I could ask for or imagine.

In the past 3 months I have often had a cynical and judgemental attitude towards God and the church. It's been a bumpy road. It has only been recently that it has been hitting me how much I just MISS Jesus... I miss pouring my love on Him and experiencing Him pour His love on me. I miss knowing with total confidence that no matter what life brings, He's got me and I've got Him. It's good to think things through. It's good to question, to process, to discover. But one must be careful not to let those things eat away at being madly in love with Christ. Sometimes I find it a chore to read my Bible and pray. Then I realize that there must be something seriously wrong in my heart and seriously lacking in my understanding of who God is. There are a handful of people in my life who I think are out of this world fantastic. If I could, I would spend every waking moment with those people. I want to be near them... to catch their life... to share their joy. In a similar way, if only I sought to get glimses of who this Jesus really is, there is NO WAY I would want to be anywhere but pressed right up against Him, as close as I could possibly nestle. That is the earnest prayer of my heart now: "Jesus, show me who you are!"

Poor and Needy

2007-10-15T22:28:00.000-05:00

This morning I sat in the lounge of a large hospital, reading Psalm 40. "...He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD..." I could feel the tears coming, but pressed on to the end. "Yet I am poor and needy, may the LORD think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; oh my God, do not delay." I looked up to see the top of Sarah's very familiar curls bouncing in the door, and was glad for a familiar face. We went together to the new employee orientation day, and talked about Mozambique most of the way through it. All evening I have been unpacking box after box in my sweet little apartment. Freshly painted, new appliances, with many little projects to work on as I go. There are 3 other apartments in the house, one inhabited by my dear dear Rachel. My immediate neighbor in the upstairs of the house is a girl named Ryan, who works at a sewing shop in town. Rachy and I are positively thrilled about this, as both of us need to learn how to sew.

This evening Sarah's dad, Rich, came over to help me assemble my new bed. 100 pieces of wood, a bag of screws, and an instruction manuel are worthless to me. His assistance was an unbelievable blessing. There are people in the world who are so close to Jesus that His kindness just pours out of them. When we had finished the bed I was pulling it into the corner and caught it on my toe, which instantly started bleeding quite heavily. Rich dropped to his knees and began wiping up the blood, holding pressure on the toe while I reached for Band-Aids. He didn't need to do that and it cut deep. I felt the love of my Lord through a selfless act of servanthood extended to me.

I've never lived by myself before, so this is a first. Sometimes I think it will be fantastic, and other times I wonder if I will feel lonely. I imagine that would be of God with a purpose in mind. In the morning I will go to work, meet new people, learn new things. I will come home and continue unpacking. I will go for a run through Lindenwood park and soak up every minute. I will drive to Wahpeton to meet with my new friends on the university campus there. And I will dream... always dreaming. This is life now. It is so different I can't believe it sometimes, yet it's really not so different after all. God still asks the same of me here as He did in Africa. To draw closer to Him, to look outward, to pray, to love people, to love justice, to be stretched, to press on, to grow, to listen, to follow. I am learning to be content... learning, even, to love this very moment.

From the Weekend

2007-10-10T01:30:00.001-05:00

Hittin' the road with our mascot, the cinnamon bear. We named him "Piguin", because he didn't look much like a bear but he did look a lot like a pig and a penguin.

Stopping in Sartell to make a surprise delivery of peanut butter bonbons to Joel's high school. The beautiful blonde in the picture is my cousin, Charlotte.

It was a STUNNING drive. We couldn't have picked a better time to drive through Wisconsin!!

Every trip to Wisconsin involves a stop for cheese... more specifically as far as we are concerned... cheese curds.

Rachel and Carina can't even wait until we get inside to start munching on cheese!!

Char-baby taking advantage of the free samples.

Finally in Chicago! Here is Rachel with her sister, Hannah Banana.

At the marathon expo!! Oh my, this is serious.

Carina playing "drinko".

My Grand Am is just as nice and has loads more character:).

It would only be a simple matter of breaking the world record to drive away in this lovely automobile.

Yup.

Stretch!

Practicing.

AHHHH!!!

The countdown clock

This police officer was too funny. I love Chicago:)!!!

Our World Vision pasta party. Talk about a carbo-load!

Rachel bought Colby Jack a polo shirt!

Nice:).

Waking up at 4am to a living room decked out with toilet paper streamers!!! Thanks, Stephen and Joy!!!

Chearing us on.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE WE DOING?!?"

We'll be fine.

The Secret...

2007-10-10T00:50:00.000-05:00

I would say that as a general rule, a marathon is not portrayed as a "fun" time. Most would probably think about 26.2 miles and groan. But over the past 8 months I have often wondered why, if running this distance is so horrific, there are people who have run copious amounts of marathons. Why put yourself through one miserable experience after another? I am about to tell you the secret. Running a marathon is, in fact, FUN!!! So fantastic in fact, that I am going to run another one in a week and a half:). The reason for this possible insanity is that I didn't get to finish the Chicago marathon. For the first time in history, the marathon was canceled due to heat. I was nearing mile 21 feeling not too shabby and excited about the finish line. No news could have been more disappointing at that moment, and I was devastated. But now knowing what was going on I understand why it needed to be done.

It truly was wicked hot, with the actual temp in the upper 80s to low 90s, but the temp on the road due to 35,000 runners on pavement soaring over 100 degrees. Evidentally people were dropping like flies, and in spite of increasing ambulance and medical staff before the race and adding more water to aid stations, there was simply no way to keep up. At one aid station we didn't get any water or Gatorade, and as we ran through a park about a mile later, many people were jumping into a large fountain and cupping their hands to drink from it. That was a scary (and thirsty!) point. But after that I didn't experience much trouble staying hydrated. However, people were passing out all over the course and eventually there were no more medics to care for them. One man from Michigan died on the course, and several others remain in critical condition.

For the most part I was in blissful ignorance to these happenings, and had fun running through every hose offered by spectators (which was MANY hoses). By staying soaking wet the heat didn't seem to bother very much, although I did get annoyed with having wet, squishy socks! The crowds were unbelievable, and the city of Chicago a delight to run through. Everywhere we turned there were more people lining the streets cheering us on by name (we wrote our names on our shirts). It didn't matter who you were or where you were from. There was a unity among the throngs of people that I have rarely experienced. My fellow runners were fabulous, and I felt a constant sense of comradery with them even as we fought our own personal battles to press on. Everyone had their own running strategy, which I found fascinating and learned valuable information just by watching other, more seasoned, runners.

It seemed that just when I was starting to feel tired, I would hear my name being screamed with more gusto than the spectators who were just reading the name on my shirt. I would turn to see the familiar face of a friend or one of my cousins and then have the delight of running with them for a couple of minutes before they sent me off. These moments were priceless! I scanned both sides of the crowds while running, often experiencing the weird sense of expecting to see faces that I knew wouldn't be there but wished they could be and somehow expecting to see them cheering, with cold drink in hand. It was the most surreal day.

When the marathon was canceled, my first reactions were anger and resentment. How could God allow something to be taken from me that I had worked so hard to accomplsh?! But that quickly changed as I realized how much more exciting it will be to finish the next one. Once again God is teaching me patience, and to trust Him when things don't make sense and don't happen according to MY plan. While running I sensed God's pleasure. Even though the race got canceled early, I felt that I had done my best and can't wait for the next one. Now my struggle is this... it has only taken me one experience to discover that I love running marathons. I would love to KEEP running marathons, but not if I run them only selfishly. Can I bring great glory to God, serve Him and love my neighbor by running?! I hope so, and I am asking Him to show me how. This is how you can be praying for me at the moment.

Countdown...

2007-10-06T08:44:00.000-05:00

23 more hours and we will be running! It appears that the whole world has descended on Chicago this weekend:). We went to the marathon expo yesterday and picked up all of our gear, got a healthy dose of inspiration, met some of our World Vision teammates, and scored a bunch of free stuff. AFter a nice, Italian dinner we came back on the train to watch Blood Diamond. Oh my, I don't even have words to describe how much my heart broke during that movie.

The weather is unexpected... it is HOT here!!! The high for tomorrow is 88 degrees and partly to mostly sunny. Yikes!!! We had not prepared for this as an option. Cold, yes. Wind, sure. Rain, definitely. But HEAT?!?

Please pray for endurance... there are 1.5 million people coming out to watch so we will be cheered every step. I can't quite imagine what it will be like yet, but I'm excited!!

It is easy to sign up to receive text messages from the marathon telling you exactly where we are on the course throughout the morning. Go to www.chicagomarathon.com if you want to get those messages! The race starts at 8am but it might take us 30 minutes just to get to the starting line. There will be a chip in our shoes that activates when we cross the starting line... our time starts then.

23 more hours!!!

Autumn Wonder

2007-09-30T16:33:00.000-05:00

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard." Psalm 19:1-3

I guess I got a little off the beaten track:)

Thought bubble... "WHY have I never gone for a run here?!?!?" Tomorrow is the day.

Leaves crunching underfoot. Warm breeze sweeping through my hair. Sunshine. Silence. Golden beauty. "If only every day could be this perfect," I thought. "Well, maybe I don't wish for that, since it certainly would take away from the awe of such a day when it comes."

On the downside, the Vikings lost AGAIN and it's looking like another disappointing season. Oh well, I will still love my Vikes. Regardless of what happens in the NFL world, this is without question my favorite time of year. It is easy to love God on days like today... days when He is full of romance and all I need to do is show up. Days when He whispers to me and points out yet again my incredible smallness and His incomparable beauty. There can be little doubt that as much as possible in the coming week I will be raking up piles of leaves for the sole purpose of jumping through them. Childish, perhaps, but I am more than okay with that! No matter how long it has been since you have danced through piles of autumn leaves, this year is the perfect time to re-discover the joy of such a thing. Join me!! If the idea seems scary, find someone to push you in... that's what I would do!!

Truly all creation sings in praise of God.

Chicago Marathon Preview

2007-09-28T20:20:00.001-05:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ouMsZIwOkag

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid717784762/bclid1126074425/bctid1213869027

Here are two links of Chicago marathon videos. The first one is done by World Vision and the second is a general one that shows the course through Chicago. I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!! I'm even dreaming marathon these days:). With only 9 days to go until October 7th, I've been reflective about how God has used this season of training in my life. I have thought often of Hebrews 12:1...

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..."

Back in early April when our training was beginning to extend far beyond my normal exertion level, I remember finishing a run and being completely discouraged. It was hot, I felt like I was slowing Sarah down, and my feet were covered with painful blisters. I wanted to quit at that point, but I remember God saying... "I want you to endure." That's all I needed to hear. Training for this thing has taught me discipline, which is extending to other areas of life where I have needed to be more disciplined. Running gives me extended periods of quiet, and is an awesome time to just BE with God and clear my head. He often paints beautiful sunrises for me to gaze upon, or sends a deer bounding across the road just when I need some encouragement. I have gotten to know my body... when to push, when to rest, what I should and shouldn't eat, etc. Pushing towards a goal that seemed impossible and now feeling like it is most definitely possible has encouraged me more than I can say. It has made me stop still more than once in total amazement at these bodies that God has so masterfuly woven together.

Hopefully this marathon won't be the first and last!! Next year I'm hoping to run 2 half marathons and 2 or 3 full marathons, with a long-term goal to qualify for Boston eventually. For this I have a long way to go:). 3 hours and 40 minutes is the required time, and for next Sunday's marathon my goal is 4 hours and 30 minutes (and if I don't get it I won't be surprised). So I need to speed up... cut my time from 10 minute miles to 7.7 minute miles.

A friend once said to me that just because a person runs, that doesn't make him/her a runner. I laughed at this, but often find myself thinking about it. I wonder if it can also be applied to us and to God, and if it can, then how? One of the many things I think about during the miles and miles...

There are a few more days to donate to Team World Vision! I am running for a 5-year-old Ethiopean boy name Fuad. He's adorable! Again the website is www.firstgiving.com/ginnahelen

This may disturb you...

2007-09-26T23:29:00.000-05:00

Here's a link to the promised video:)!!! I LOVE showing this to people, haha. Reactions are priceless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfWUQ8GjCUw

My family is totally great. Since I didn't get a birthday celebration this year, tonight we celebrated my half birthday in conjunction with my dad's birthday:). We fondued... our family favorite. My parents gave me Rosetta Stone's Portuguese language program. I've been hoping and hoping to get that and am excited to start!

Here is a photo from Nina's birthday party last week. My cousin Charlotte came as a special surprise. She is a freshman in college this year, going into nursing at NDSU!!! I'm so proud:).

Happenings

2007-09-26T00:32:00.000-05:00

Without question, the biggest news from the past week is that I lost my black toenail. The whole thing just came right off one afternoon leaving an ugly, and now undisguisable, toe with no nail:). We captured the event on video so it just might be a youtube hit in the near future. You never know!

Second to that, I suppose, is the job! I was hired at Meritcare's Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. At the interview I knew that I would love the position, and was even more convinced after touring the unit and meeting some of the staff. The reason NICU seemed like the best option is because it's a wonderful combination of challenging nursing which will really stretch me while at the same time being constantly relational. What more could I want from a job? My start date is October 15th. Not far away! I am happy about all of it because I know that it is right. It is probably not what I would consider my heart's desire, but it is what God's will is for me right now, and it IS my heart's desire to follow Him! After accepting the job this afternoon, I needed to grieve a little bit. The decision has been made... I'm not going back to Africa in January. STILL HARD?! Yes, still hard. It is almost a full moon tonight, and stepping outside into the brightness reminded me of tired but joyful nights under the moon in Mozambique. I remember walking in the dark, gazing up, never wanting to leave my place on the log, feeling happier than I ever thought a person could feel. Then the guards would walk by and shine their spotlight into my face, and chuckle. They must have wondered what it was about the night that I loved so much.

But being at home definitely has its perks, and I feel blessed! Today I spoke to a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group. Of course I am not a mother of preschoolers, but since I want to be one someday, they let me in:). It was fantastic! They wanted to hear the details of life for mothers in Africa... down to specifics about childbirth (and boy do I have those specifics, haha). Every time I speak, which has been quite often lately, my heart starts aching. God is not allowing it to heal, and He is not allowing me to forget. Mozambique is constantly on my mind... it presses hard. The faces of friends... the laugher of children... the birds that would sing beautiful melodies to each other... the sunrise over the hills... imagining a house in the mango grove. Staying. Maybe someday.

A gift that I truly treasure about being home is having the chance to get to know Sarah, my new sister. I've always imagined being the best of friends with my brother's wife, and God has seen that desire of my heart and blessed it. We have had so much fun! She is beautiful and mysterious and infinite layers deep and full of delightful wit and talent. She is already my encourager, just like Josh, and a joy. Tonight we led worship together at Intervarsity (believe it or not, for several weeks now I have been playing my guitar IN PUBLIC!!) and I think it was the first of many years of doing that. At my grandpa's funeral she was by my side... holding my hand, reassuring, letting me cry. She is also an irreplaceable ally in my SLIGHTLY incomplete understanding of all things farm-related:). Today when I arrived to help paint their bathroom "sensual silver" (it's an amazing color!) she asked what was new on the farm. I reported that the guy who was supposed to build a very large bin for us a few weeks ago finally let us know that he won't be able to come. My dad and brother have been stressing about this bin for ages. Sarah said, "OH NO!!!" and I loved the fact that though neither of us understood exactly WHY not having the bin built was such a horrible thing, we both just knew that it was, in fact, very horrible.

At any rate, I'm enjoying being here for the early stages of Josh and Sarah's marriage. It's fun to see them just starting up. So I AM glad to be at home and AM experiencing God in new and awesome ways here. I was concerned that I wouldn't "need" God as much being in the States, but that has certainly not been the case. I've needed Him more than ever.

The other night while my brother was still at the farm I persuaded Sarah to help me try hanging up the two person hammock I gave them for a wedding gift. I had my eye on two trees outside their house that I anticipated would be perfect. However, they were too far apart and we didn't have any rope! We attempted to clip the caribeaners onto two flimsy branches of a single tree, and Sarah allowed me to try it out first, as it didn't look very sturdy:). To my dismay I quickly found myself sitting on a hammock on the ground:(. We need some rope and quick.

Gadgets

2007-09-22T23:56:00.000-05:00

I love my new MacBook, though I am far from mastering all of its extensive features. The camera, however, is a fun and relatively simple tool.

Josh and Joel... lookin' good!!!

Trouble.

Enjoying our backyard earlier this afternoon.

Waking Up

2007-09-20T22:57:00.000-05:00

There was a grin on my face the instant I woke up this morning. As I stretched and rolled onto my side I could only smile bigger at the awareness of the beautiful presence of my love... my Jesus. Maybe you have experienced the same thing. What made it even more thrilling was the length of time it has been since I have felt His presence so closely. It has been a difficult couple of months and I have been pressing on in the knowledge that God IS there, whether I feel Him or not. But to feel His presence again was a gift to me. As I was driving home tonight I popped in my new Bethany Dillon cd and cranked up this song which I love... and sing at the top of my lungs.

Waking Up

I'm on a flight home this morning
And I can't help but stare at You
My face pressed against this little window
The sky explodes in praise to You, to You
I know my words can't wrap their arms around You tight enough
But still I'll try in this simple song
To You, my Jesus

Because the more I fight it, the more I love You

As my eyes widen, I have to tell You

There's nothing like waking up
Waking up to You
There's nothing like waking up
Waking up to You
Oh, waking up to You

I am small, but I have seen
The same sun rise over India and Ohio fields

To strengthen the heart of this coward
So in every language, from every hurt
We echo affection back to You, Lord

There's nothing like waking up
Waking up to You
There's nothing like waking up
Waking up to You

Ah, that gives me goosebumps! God has been teaching me so many things. The main one this week (and it may sound very elementary, but it's pure joy to this elementary mind) is that there is nothing I can go through that is not understood fully by Jesus. When grieving the loss of a loved one, I can think about Jesus weeping over Lazarus. He wept, even though he KNEW that Lazarus would be raised from the dead. That helps me to know that I can weep over my grandpa and it is okay, even though I know I will see him again someday. The only thing that Jesus doesn't understand is consequences of sin, because Jesus was sinless. This is something else that completely baffles me, because so much of the pain I experience comes from poor choices I make. Jesus didn't make poor choices. When he suffered, he suffered unjustly. But he did it willingly in obedience to His Father.

My sister, Nina, turned 15 today. She is becoming such a beautiful young woman who loves God and has passion and vision. I am proud of her... and happy that we are at the point of sharing clothes, hehe:).

It is time for me to go to bed so that in the morning I can wake up... :) I have a job interview tomorrow!!!

Grief and Joy

2007-09-16T22:03:00.003-05:00

This photo is of my grandpa, Harlowe, two weeks ago. I went to spend the weekend with him and my grandma after she had major heart surgery. It was great just being with them again. My grandpa and I went out to the farm to watch my uncle and cousin roofing the barn, we went searching for horses to look at, bought doughnuts instead of healthy food at the grocery store, and took naps on the couch. Late this past Thursday night he had a massive stroke and passed away yesterday morning. He is with Jesus now!! My mom was able to go and say goodbye on Friday. Grandpa was unconscious, but we think he was able to hear and she gave him messages from us. She told him Josh followed his advice. You see, last year he was in the hospital for a while and Josh and I went to see him. He was in great spirits and we talked all afternoon. We talked about relationships and Josh asked what advice Grandpa had, considering he and my grandma were married 60 years! "Well," he said, "I just knew I had to marry a pretty one. After all, I figured the kids needed at least half a chance!" :) He was too funny. From me my mom told him that when I marry, I want it to be a man like him. That is as true as true could be. The way he loved my grandma was a beautiful thing to behold, while still being a strong leader. He taught me so much about God, not so much by saying anything, but just by living. I wish I could have told him myself, but we needed to stay home to continue preparing the farm for Josh and Sarah's reception.

It has been a rat race all week! Tonight it is all over. The last guests have gone home... no more baking, no more sweeping, no more scrubbing, no more battles with spider webs in corners of buildings where no one would ever go but it just needed to be clean IN CASE:). In every way I'm just exhausted beyond words. I remember the last time I was this tired. It was in Mozambique, and we had just had an intensely hard week. Then to top it off there was a day of chaos and demands from dawn until long past dark. I collapsed into bed, tucked in my mosquito net, and cried myself to sleep:). Sarah loves to tell that story now.

Everyone has been so good to us as we have been juggling a strange mix of grief and joy. We feel very blessed and celebrate all that God has done. He has given us Sarah, and He has taken Grandpa HOME. Blessed be the name of the LORD.

Please pray for my mom specifically, as she and her dad were very close. Also of course for my grandma, Helen. She came to the reception today and is doing well, but I cannot imagine losing my husband of 60 years. She misses him. The memorial service is tomorrow night and the funeral is on Tuesday. After that we will crash.

J&S Hitchin' Highlights

2007-09-09T22:41:00.000-05:00

Today was perfect. Actually, the entire weekend was perfect! During the ceremony the presence of God was like a blanket draped over the area. There was beauty everywhere we looked. Tonight I have the blessing of knowing I have gained a sister and lifelong friend in Sarah Perry Hardie. If I could have specifically chosen and put together a woman for my brother, I could never have conjured up someone as perfect as Sarah. The more I see her and talk with her, the more I love her. I love her genuineness, her quiet humor, and her humility. I especially love the way she makes my brother come alive. More than one person commented that they have never seen such a delighted groom. Truly I think they are the same person in different genders. Josh had told me they were similar, but really... how alike they are is uncanny! I love it. As an added bonus, Sarah's family is AWESOME!!! I don't really want to leave Texas tomorrow because I've had such fun spending time with them. Sarah is the oldest of 7 children, and they are all fabulous.

Here are a few of the highlights from the weekend that stand out in my mind...

The flight down in our Cherokee 6... it was great quality time, even though it was about 110 degrees in the plane and bouncy the whole way. It reminded us of driving in Mozambique:).

Meeting the Perry's (Rick, Holly, Chelsea, Keith, Rachel, Jonathon, Matt, and Mercy) and Sarah's pet snake, Isabel. I even held the crazy reptile! We watched it eat a mouse and it was very 'Discovery Channel'.

Getting manicures and pedicures with the girls. The guy who did mine was from Vietnam and LOVED the fact that I know people who have been there. He did an awesome job, although I'm positive he was scared of my black toe...

Hearing Sarah tell the "Ilene" joke. It's going to be all over Texas! Also just seeing how committed Sarah is to Josh, and Josh to Sarah. Their marriage is going to be a continual testimony of God's grace.

Waking up this morning, having Emma stretch out and say... "I want to go EVERYWHERE with you!" haha, perfect!!!

Sitting with my brother this morning right before the ceremony, praying together and crying because God has done something so BEAUTIFUL!!!

Holding the prettiest flower bouquet I have ever seen... cally lilies and orchids from Singapore!!

Tears, tears, tears... my job was to provide the emotion and I followed through:).

PLUS ONE SISTER!!!!!

We are leaving early in the morning to fly home and prepare for their ND reception next weekend! I'm hoping this flight will be cooler and smoother than the last one...

Pictures at www.picasaweb.google.com/ginnahelen

Watermelon and Good Friends

2007-09-05T22:47:00.003-05:00

Technology is amazing. Today I had my first real Skype experience and was totally blown away! I could see friends in South Africa and they could see me and we could talk. All for FREE!! What a sweet deal.

I had the perfect small town experience in the grocery store last week. My intention was a quick in and out for milk and watermelon, but I had forgotten that "quick" doesn't happen at Econo Foods. Why?! Because a person is sure to run into at least one if not several friends or acquaintances somewhere between produce and check-out. As I pulled my cart up to the watermelon display, I was greeted by two gentleman from my church who work at the store. The resulting conversation led us into a detailed description of how to "pick out a good one". After pressing on the ends of several watermelons and knocking on most of them, I had learned quite a lot! Feeling confident with my choice and delighted with the conversation we had just had, I pressed on. Arriving at check-out with my carefully selected watermelon and more hurredly chosen milk, I wasn't incredibly far behind schedule. The jolly older gentleman behind the check-out counter immediately struck up a conversation. He wanted to know what I was up to on that particular day and I filled him in. Then he said, "do you have time for a joke?" Of course there is ALWAYS time for a joke. He continued, "I just asked you if you swiped your card, right?" "Right." I said, gearing up for the punch line. "Now I am going to ask you, where did you swipe it from?" Haha:-D, I love that, and grabbed my bags with a grin on my face. A few steps later I was in another conversation, this one taking place next to the softener salt between check-out and the parking lot. Then I was on my way! You really can't beat that. It reminded me of Africa... where time is always secondary to conversations.

Today Sarah-Ki and I went on a picnic. It was my second since being home (the other one last week with my mom), and every time I go on one I think that there is altogether not enough picnic-ing going on in the world. In Mozambique I have GREAT memories of picnics, especially the last one before saying goodbye. Today was another goodie! After living an intense year of life together, Sarah is one with which I can pour out the depths of my heart and she is ever gracious and understanding with what is found there. She is truly a precious, precious friend!!

Rachel and I nearly got pedicures this afternoon, considering the awful condition of our feet. Marathon training has not been good to them (as you can see in this disturbing foot photo). But still I could not justify parting with the 30 bucks, and we opted for coffee instead.

Emma is moving to Omaha tomorrow to spend two years getting her Masters degree in social work:(.

I am very sad about this, but HAPPY that she is coming to Josh and Sarah's wedding this weekend so we have more time together! My family flies out in the morning for a lovely weekend in Texas. I've never seen two people quite so excited to get married as Josh and Sarah! That's the way it should be. 4 days and counting...

I have just started posting pictures on www.picasaweb.google.com/ginnahelen and will continue to update in the future (it's much easier than putting them on here)!

Sisters

2007-09-04T22:47:00.001-05:00

Decision

2007-09-04T14:58:00.000-05:00

As you probably know, I have been struggling a lot with coming to a decision about where to go next year. I've wanted with all of my heart to be back in Africa almost immediately after the final Christmas gift is opened, the last drop of eggnog vanished, and the final fa-la-la-la-la fading. But that is not to be. I've been sensing it for quite a while, but last week God had finally brought me to a place where I was ready to accept it, and confirmed His will with a verse.

"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture." Psalm 37:3

There are times when God speaks and it is clear. There are moments when He uses His Word and it is as though a specific verse was written exactly for me and my current situation. This certainly does not happen every day, but when it does... I know it. This verse confirmed to me that I am to dwell in the land... THIS land... for at least a year. So in a couple of weeks I will be applying for a job in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at a hospital in Fargo. I already have found an absolutely adorable apartment and will move in mid-November, so things are falling into place. Now that the decision is made, I'm excited! I'm looking forward to getting time with people who I have needed to neglect over the past several years because of various other commitments commanding my attention. I am thrilled to be free to attend some of my sister's basketball games this winter, to think about sledding and building snowmen after the first good blizzard, to get to know my new sister and help her settle in here (BIG change from Texas!), and to have the opportunity to get involved with what God is doing right here at home. All the while, of course, I will be thinking of and praying for other places... places where my heart lies... Mozambique, South Africa, Nepal, and Nigeria to name a few, and others that I have not yet seen but know that I would love. Places where poverty and death run rampant but where God is at work. It will be wonderful to be home for a season and I will learn and gain much from being here. I am content to take this next step and let God speak for what I should do after the year when His time is right. His ways are so far beyond my ability to understand, but I am learning to accept that and even love that about him... well, sometimes:).

This is random, but I was wondering today why I'm so forgetful? For example, does anyone else ever get off the phone with someone and realize that you said basically NOTHING of what you wanted to say to that person? Why does that happen? Or does anyone else go to a closet to find something and then stand in there for several minutes just staring at nothing, not sure why you are there? I must be getting old, because I have done both of these things recently.

In the mood for some country music:)...

Compassion

2007-09-04T14:44:00.000-05:00

I have been picking my way through Henri Nouwen's book, 'Compassion', and the reason for my slowness is anything but boredom. On the contrary, this book has more markings covering its pages than a football coach's chalkboard. I have been feasting slowly on the observations of a Godly man whose life and ministry I deeply admire. Since I haven't finished the book (in all honesty I have only finished two chapters... the other reason being a mad flourish of wedding preparations) I will save most of my comments for the end, but wanted to post this paragraph today. It moved me, and it moves me still...

"Jesus' whole life and mission involve accepting powerlessness and
revealing in this powerlessness the limitlessness of God's love. Here
we see what compassion means. It is not a bending toward the
underprivileged from a privileged position; it is not a reaching out
from on high to those who are less fortunate below; it is not a
gesture of sympathy or pity for those who fail to make it in the
upward pull. On the contrary, compassion means going directly to
those people and places where suffering is most acute and building a
home there. God's compassion is total, absolute, unconditional,
without reservation. It is the compassion of the one who keeps going
to the most forgotten corners of the world, and who cannot rest as
long as there are still human beings with tears in their eyes..."

- excerpt from 'Compassion' (pg. 25)

Celebrate!!

2007-08-26T17:28:00.001-05:00

The fam celebrating Josh's birthday! Well, all except my dad who is the cameraman. Two or or three faces may be unfamiliar as part of the Hardie clan. Seated next to my brother is his fiancee, Sarah. Two more weeks! To my right is Chelsea, Sarah's sister. She was here for a week with Sarah and we all worked on painting their house. What a fun time! The guy standing is Joel, our adopted brother. He is in high school and working on the farm for the summer. I love this kid!! First of all, he laughs at my jokes... all of them. And it's never a pity laugh either (which is rare). He also is polite, fun to be around, compliments the chef, and helps with the dishes! Not to mention having a zeal for life. This afternoon we were outside lighting fireworks and just laughing. What a great guy! He can definitely stay.

Celebrating Josh and Rachel's engagement with Brad!

Good choice buddy, you better not look.

The first bridal magazine...

This is just too cute. Please notice Brad's choice of champagne glass:)...

"Informal" engagement partay with the correct groom this time.

Rachel introduced me to American Idol (aka Karaoke Revolution) on PS2. I had NO idea there was such a game, and was completely delighted with it. Simon Cowell thought we were the best he'd ever seen... especially Rach with her dance moves. YEAH!!!

Lazarus and Jesus

2007-08-23T20:24:00.000-05:00

John 11

I love this story. I especially love the part that says, "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. SO, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was." (v. 5-6) In every effort to avoid rattling off what this verse means "to me", and risking an interpretation of the text that is not the same as what God actually intended, I will only say this... I am so comforted to know that God's timing and mine are not the same. When I'm struggling with patience I look here, and realize that just because I might think He is being slow, that is not necessarily the case. There is also the wondrous assurance that while we are waiting, Jesus loves us (as He loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus). So. That word "so" intrigues me and I think about it often. Anyway, I just wanted to put a little plug in for John 11 today, in case you need something awesome to read. It gives me the chills every time. Who is this God that we follow?!?

Today I did a mass perusal of the blogs of friends back in Africa. I check up on these dear ones from time to time, but never all at once because it is just more than my fragile emotions can handle at the current time:). Today, however, I hit them all. If you have followed along with the journey of Sarah and me over the past year, I would love to refer you to www.wivafrica.blogspot.com. This is the blog of Jean-Aimee Gifford, who is a nurse currently working with Brooke in Mozambique. The four of us overlapped for several weeks before Sarah and I left, and the two of them are truly an answer to prayer. Reading Jean-Aimee's stories I found myself in tears... my heart breaking at times, my soul rejoicing at times, and always my entire being longing to just be there. Especially hard (and wonderful) to see were the photos... our house, a sick orphan boy named Joalinho, the land, and a shot of the two girls with Carlos and Pascua, two visiting Hands at Work volunteers, and a little boy from the mission... Callum Beecher, who was my personal best bud. At moments I feel like Africa is only a step away... like I could go around the corner and say "Mascati" and the Giuas would be there giggling... or go for a run and it would somehow be on the dusty hills of South Africa.

Shouldn't this whole "Africa thing" be working its way out of my system? It isn't. Maybe that means something... I hope so. Even if God is asking me to stay here for a while, maybe it means that He isn't finished with me there yet. To all of you treasured ones far far away... I miss you. You are deeply loved.

You may remember me talking about my patient and friend, Amelia. Please keep on praying for her... I believe God is doing a great work of healing in her life in more than one way. In the above photo she is trying not to laugh and failing miserably. I love it. These photos were taken right before we left Mozambique. The difference in Amelia from the first photos we have of her is truly unbelievable.

Wedding Bells

2007-08-23T16:27:00.001-05:00

These two love birds are GETTING MARRIED!!!! I got the awesome news call from Rachel last night, just after Josh popped the question!!! There is nothing worse than being locked away in Pracs when two of your absolute favorite people on the planet get engaged and all you want to do is CELEBRATE! This weekend that is exactly what is going to happen.

Over the past 4 years I have had more fun with these crazies than should be allowable. I remember when they first met, their first impressions, the beginnings of a relationship, the uncertainty, then Rach went to Australia for 6 months and I was instructed to "get to know him, see what I think". I did, and it was fantastic being able to develop a friendship with the man who is perfect for my girl!!! Then another year went by, and I left for Africa. When Rach the Dach came to visit right after Christmas I remember laying awake most of the night talking. She was SO EXCITED to marry Josh, and convinced that he was the one. What an amazing and fun ride to this day!

I am just beaming. CONGRATS JOSH AND RACH!!!!!!!!! Love you guys...

Brian McLaren, 'A New Kind of Christian'

2007-08-22T18:37:00.000-05:00

The past 3 months or so have been pivotal in my life and in my relationship with Christ. Numerous stretching conversations and authors who I now consider friends have helped to open up my eyes to worlds of new possibilities in understanding and walking with God. I have started to see that the way I read the Bible is generally to pick it apart and put it in neat boxes, when Scripture itself was not written that way. It is full of story and mystery, song and poetry. As I begin to see it more in that light, reading it holds an entirely new magic that excites me to the core. More on that soon.

I just finished reading 'A New Kind of Christian' by Brian McLaren, and all I can say is... READ IT. The writing itself is a bit rough, but McLaren admits as much in the introduction. Read the book instead for the content, which just might shake things up for you as it has me. Depending upon your current views of God and Christianity, this book will most likely shock you and could possibly make you angry. There were many moments when I found myself appalled because what I was reading was so different from what I've always been taught... from what has always been presented as infallible truth. But McLaren does not once question the reality of God or the truth of the Bible, just our 'modern', neatly organized perception of these. In spite of the uncomfortable moments, I absolutely loved it. My comments here may cause some of you to worry that I am going off the deep end, but I can assure you that I love and desire to glorify God more today than I ever have before. It is just that there are many questions raging in my mind. There are some things about our way of practicing religion that just don't sit right, and reading McLaren's book gave me courage that I'm not alone. Others of you who have been asking these questions, reading books like this one, and discussing postmodernism and the emerging church for years are probably going to wonder, "Where has she been?" Either way, here a couple thoughts.

Without a doubt, God used this entire year in Africa to challenge my thinking in many key areas. One of the main ones was that He is a global God to the core. He created culture and diversity, and the job of a missionary is not to bring our Western way of "doing church" to the nations, but instead to just bring Christ. These are two very different things, I realized more and more as the year went on. Another concept that has always made me a bit uncomfortable is the way we talk about getting "saved" or being "born again". I agree with McLaren's fictional character, Dan, who has this to say:

"Now, the real issue isn't an emotional crisis or the stereotypical experience of being "saved" or "born again" or of "crossing a line" and then stopping there. The issue isn't signing on to a new set of beliefs alone. The issue is following Jesus, joining him in his adventure and mission of saving the world and expressing God's love. If a person isn't moving ahead on that journey, then no matter how many aisles he walks down and cards he fills out and "sinner's prayers" he says, whether or not he is going to heaven, there is still no way we can say in any meaningful sense that he is experiencing salvation." (pg. 132)

To take this a little deeper into rough waters, how exactly do we define "the Gospel"?!? It is, after all, what we are supposed to be sharing. I have always been slightly uncomfortable with the idea that every relationship I have is some sort of undercover rescue mission, with the sole purpose of the friendship being to convince the other that my ideas are the right ones. I love people, and genuinely want to know and understand my friends... both those I have now and those I will have in the future. No hidden agenda. I learned in Mozambique that love... AUTHENTIC love... really changes people. This is not in any way a new or profound idea, but I think we can too easily get wrapped up with getting someone "in" that we forget about the person. McLaren's character, Neo, uses the analogy of dancing to describe a different approach to sharing Christ:

"Instead of conquest, instead of a coercive rational argument or an emotionally intimidating sales pitch or an imposing crusade or an aggressive debating contest where we hope to 'win' them for Christ, I think of it like a dance. You know, in a dance, nobody wins and nobody loses. Both parties listen to the music and try to move with it. In this case, I hear the music of the gospel, and my friend doesn't, so I try to help him hear it and move with it. And like a dance, I have to ask if the other person wants to participate." (pg. 62)

Two weeks ago, not long after Sarah and I had returned home, we went swing dancing with some friends. I was nervous to go because I have very little experience dancing and didn't want to look like a complete idiot, something that seems to happen a lot:). Our partners, however, were excellent dancers and made me feel like I was ready for 'Dancing with the Stars'. Of all the things we have done since being home, that night was my favorite. And now I cannot wait to dance again! Because of this experience, I loved McLaren's analogy all the more.

During the past several weeks I have felt isolated, even depressed at times (something that is quite unusual for me). Alone in the questionings of my mind and heart, not knowing where I could go to talk about them. But today I feel an amazing FREEDOM that I cannot explain. It is as if God has been beckoning me to come closer to Him... to go deeper with Him... but I have been fighting to remain comfortably in my box of familiar Christianity, and to face issues and questions with my usual methods instead of letting go and letting God do a new thing. Now there are a million more questions in my mind. But I am hopeful because today, more than ever before, I am finally ready to ask them. To go there. Maybe this is crazy, but I feel peace.

I have also been wrestling with God about my future... at least, the next year and a half or so of it. But that's another story for another day...

Child-like Faith

2007-08-20T15:53:00.000-05:00

Seven-year-old Luke is missing a front tooth and shifting his weight nervously from one foot to the other. His brown hair is buzz cut in perfect army fashion and his khaki shorts are pulled as high as they will go. He is shy, but excitedly stands on tiptoe for a moment and gives an affirmative nod when asked if school will start soon. Though he is speaking to me face-to-face for the first time, he has been talking to Jesus about me for a very long time. Ever since Sarah and I spoke to Bethel's Sunday school classes in June of 2006, a significant number of those children have been praying faithfully. Luke's mother told me that her son has prayed for us every day for over a year. I hardly knew what to say to one so young whose faith FAR surpasses mine and whose perseverence in prayer is something of which to take note and be humbled. Little more than an hour later, after Bethel's second service, I had a similar encounter. This time a proud father of three little girls wanted me to know about the persistent prayers of his youngest on my behalf. As Randy spoke, his little girl shyly pretended not to be listening.

What excites me the most about children praying is the knowledge that God hears and honors these young pleas. The only thing I remember praying for with such fervency at the tender age of seven was a sister. Even before my mom miraculously delivered a baby girl long past her child-bearing 'prime', I already knew that Christina would come. I had asked God for her! Why I still do not pray with such confidence I do not know. Over the years, I am afraid "maturity" and "religion" have flooded out the child-like adoration I once had for my Jesus. Life has stolen the sparkle of an intensely love-filled relationship with the Daddy who is always present, and who cares deeply. Today I want to jump back onto a pink Hot Wheels with a grape popsicle in my hand and start over. There are things I want to see again with fresh eyes... young eyes.

After having received the best education this nation can offer, Dr. Robert Coles still learned his most important lessons from children. Six-year-old Ruby Bridges was the first black student to attend Mississippi's Frantz School. While every other student boycotted the integration, Ruby bravely marched through hostile mobs escorted by federal marshalls. She sat alone, day after day, in an empty classroom. Shocked by the bravery he witnessed in one so young, Dr. Coles took the time to develop a relationship with Ruby. The following is an excerpt from the book 'Soul Survivor':

So what did Ruby do in such daunting circumstances? She prayed: for herself, that she would be strong and unafraid, and also for her enemies, that God would forgive them. "Jesus prayed that on the cross," she told Coles, as if that settled the matter: "Forgive them, because they don't know what they're doing." (pg. 98)

I want to pray like that.

Tears

2007-08-19T22:01:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed the beauty of tears? A good friend pointed it out to me once, but I didn't see it then. Today I saw it. Sarah and I were sharing with a group of people who came to South Africa last fall. As we shared I looked around and saw many eyes glossy with tears of sincerity... it was a beautiful thing.

This week has been busy with sharing... whether it be one on one or to a large group, almost every evening and some parts of the daytime hours have been spent talking about Africa. Discussing 'what happened the past year' inevitably leads to the 'what will happen this year' topic, one with which I am slightly uncomfortable. However, an answer I must give. My answer is that I am waiting for the Lord to speak clearly. Perhaps He is speaking clearly and I am just not hearing Him, or perhaps I cannot discern which voice is His amidst the hubbub of life. Many of you know that I've been seriously considering a return to Africa as early as January. Though this is precisely what I long to do, at this moment I don't have peace that the timing is right. Because of this I have been asking God to help me be okay if He wants me to stay for a season, and He is doing that. Maybe since He is giving me peace about staying, that is my answer? I would still pick up and go back tomorrow if that's what I felt like I was supposed to do. Jesus said that His sheep follow Him because they know His voice. I want to have the confidence 100% of the time that I am always following the correct shepherd, but this I do not think is possible. We are far too easily influenced by shepherds with a similar tone. That is why I am thankful to be spending 5 days locked away in Pracs. For those of you unfamiliar with Pracs, basically I am acting as a lab rat and getting paid nicely for it:). It's also a great getaway. I am a 'goer' and love just being with people, so days are quite easily filled and I never have enough time to sit and be silent... straining to hear the voice I so long to recognize.

I learned something today...

On my way to Bethel in Fargo this morning I was praying about what to share. Sarah and I only had 2 minutes each and we had been given our question in advance. God gave a message which, though I spoke the words, convicted me to the core as I digested them. He challenged me to be outward-focused and pray for more of His heart of compassion and servanthood, instead of lingering on thoughts of me and my best interests with such regularity. Since returning home I have spent long periods of time feeling sorry for myself... a fairly constant and unnecessary pity party. Close inspection of my heart reveals many things, high on the list being a selfishness that I long to be free from. During this week I will have lots of free time, and want to spend it praying for the people that I love instead of just about my own life. I want to pray for YOU!!! So give me a call or send me an email. I have unlimited time to talk (unless you call during a blood draw) and would love to hear from you.

God is so cool. Whenever I start feeling prideful, He is quick with reminders that I shouldn't go that way. He is patient with me. He is willing to use me even though I am a disaster almost all of the time, and He even gives joy (and often tears) to this disaster in the process. Thinking about it makes me want to go with Him on a picnic that never ends...

Speaking Tonight

2007-08-15T13:20:00.001-05:00

This evening from 7:30-9pm I will be sharing about our year in Africa at Faith Church in Wahpeton. If you are in the area, come on over! If you aren't, would you please pray for the event? Pray that God would speak in an awesome way in spite of me (I get nervous and start talking too fast and saying "like" and "um" way too much. Then everything becomes just one run-on sentence. But God is awesome and can do whatever He wants with my shortcomings, which makes me happy). THANK YOU FOR PRAYING!!

Little Terrors

2007-08-14T23:46:00.000-05:00

We had some old negatives put onto a cd for Josh and Sarah's wedding. Classics. Here are some favorites of me and the fam!!!

Believe it. My parents were (still are!!) so hip I can hardly stand it.

Few children have double chins as large as mine in this picture. It's a gift, really.

SCARY.

Breathing

2007-08-11T21:54:00.001-05:00

When far away from people and places that you love, have you ever thought about the fact that life is still going on there? That those people are still breathing? It's strange to think about when worlds seem so far removed from each other, but my imagination cannot help dancing in places I have danced before... remembering. I did the same when I was in Africa, thinking about home. I am doing it again now, thinking about Africa. As time passes days seem to get easier, but the deep love remains...

Sarah & I got to talk with Carlos and Pascua on Thursday morning, and it was the BEST! Hearing their giggles and excited chatter was really wonderful. While sorting pictures and making slide shows today I couldn't help wondering, "Did Mozambique really happen?" It did, and I am SO glad. My life will never be the same...

Captivated

Our Gwynnie-pie!!

Life Change

First Pics!!

Let everything that has breath...

It's Been A While

Looking Back to Egypt

My African Brother

Fun Art

The Haps

Eggy-nog

Married Life

I Failed at Part 2 :)

Saying I Do - Part 1

No Fear

My Lub

Joy Unspeakable

Keep the Conscience Clause!!!

My Pals the Elderly

If You Love Someone, Tell 'Em!

Happy Thursday

Too Much Cuteness

The "L-Bomb" :)

Happy New Year!!!

Yeah Team World Vision!

Photo from the Death Run :)

Twenty-Eight

Tagged.

"Train yourself..."

What's New?

THE COUNTDOWN...

Lovely Colorado and New Home Montana

Solitude

Travels - Arizona

Travels - North Dakota to New Mexico and everything in between.

Free

Scattered

Tingly with Excitement!!!

Hungry

No More...

WHAT IS THAT?!?!?

Beautiful Words...

DONE!!!

An Impulsive 26.2

Conversation with the Giuas

Update Letter

Myanmar Cyclone

A Thousand Splendid Suns

April Snow Days

Team World Vision!!!!

Life Change

Josh and Rachel Keller!!!

The song in my heart....

Wanted: Water Wings!

Holy the Firm, Annie Dillard

Teeth (Part 2)

A Flower Blooms...

**GRIN**

Teeth (Part 1)

For Love of Mozy...

R.I.C.E

Patience

FM Curling Club

I Saw God Today

The Way of Jesus

Never Forgets...

Matthew 8

FINALLY, an update :)

"You love Africa."

My Best Date Ever!!!

Rodents

BBC News

Thankful

New Treasure

4 hours, 13 minutes, 24 seconds!!!

Satisfied

Poor and Needy

From the Weekend

The Secret...

Countdown...

GRIN